Dear United Auto Workers Union Members,
It has come to my attention that, as taxpayers, we have all recently become auto company executives. I've long been dismayed at the dismal condition of American cars, but I realize that, as a result of the responsibility the government has asked me to assume, I am now in a position to change everything. This will not be an easy task, and there will be considerable pain involved but, if I have learned any lessons from the corporate world about being an executive, I trust that I will be able to assign the most painful sacrifices to people other than myself.
The purpose of this memo, however, is not to wallow in the blunders of the past but to offer a roadmap for the future. We are at a crossroads. We have an opportunity and the responsibility to save the U.S. auto industry and to preserve our historic leadership role in automotive innovation. We all know that the car occupies a central position in our way of life, yet aside from adding DVD players and coffee cup holders, we've done little to integrate ideas and inventions from the rest of our society into the designs of our cars. This must change. To that end, I offer the following improvements:
- Cars should regulate themselves rather than relying on us - or on mechanics. It just doesn't make sense that we still need to trust grease-monkeys in garages who tell us we need a new "spinal column" or "replacement bushings." Now that we're the boss, I want the car to tell us exactly what's wrong, how much it will cost to fix it, and if the thing the garage says it replaced was actually replaced. Also, when driving, advanced artificial intelligence will disengage the parking brake before the car burns it up.
Thank you for your attention. I regret I won't be available next week for more automotive suggestions, because I have to take on my new responsibilities as owner and manager of our failed banking, insurance, and mortgage and healthcare industries.