10/29/2014 10:31 am ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

Handy Hospitality Translator: Bartender to Customer


Bartender - Voice of reason in a sea of Jägermeister. From the word Bartenderus, Latin for Underpaid Badass

Head Bartender - Guy that does the manager's job for less money

Ex Bartender - Customer with delusions of grandeur

Barback - Alternative name for cheap slave labor. Often imported

Bar Manager - Power crazed hellion who used to be a bartender but now must be socially ostracized

General Manager - Person who shouts at managers prior to them shouting at bartenders

Bar Owner - Person who is not quite, but soon will be, bankrupt. Demon overlord

Barrel Ageing - Putting alcohol in a wooden crate, leaving it until it smells funny and then charging more for it

Beer - What you will get if you ask the bartender to surprise you

Binge Drinking - What people over fifty call a night out

Bitters - Something bartenders will put in anything given half a chance

Cocktail List - List of drinks options perused by people just prior to ordering a Mojito

Closing Time - Apparently an invitation to negotiate

Difford's Guide - Thing that replaced memory circa 2001

Female Toilets - The door at the end of the really long queue

Male Toilets - Room containing a porcelain receptacle most drunk men will miss despite having a member designed for this purpose

Flair - Internal juggling

The Negroni - Like the Mason's handshake, a way for bartenders to identify themselves to other bartenders without using words

Penis - Thing the bartender will put in your drink if you are mean to them. In case of a female bartender thing belonging to the barback they will put in your drink if you are mean to them

Rum - Proof that at least one major deity loves us

Peach Schnapps - Proof that at least one holds a grudge

Security - Person who is always in the toilet when trouble begins

Sniper - Customer who takes pleasure in pointing out the bar or bartender's faults. See Penis

Tip - Lever by which people are persuaded to undertake low paid work by management too cheap to pay a living wage

Trend - Conspiracy created to get rid of excess stock or stuff nearing sell by date. Only known explanation for Blue Curaçao

Virgin - The unfortunate absence of alcohol. Bartender who has yet to work a Saturday night

Dan Miles is the cult bestselling Author of Filthy Still - A tale of travel, sex and perfectly made cocktails, out now on 'Hilarious, Like an Alcoholic Bridget Jones.' London Lifestyle Magazine.
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