04/14/2010 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

What Republicans Believe

A recent Research 2000 poll of more than 2,000 Republicans, conducted for the liberal blog Daily Kos, had some startling but true findings:

  • 63% of Republicans believe President Obama is a socialist
  • 53% believe Sarah Palin is more qualified to be president than Obama
  • 39% believe Obama should be impeached
  • 36% believe he wasn't born in the U.S.
  • 31% believe the president hates white people
  • 24% believe the president wants the terrorists to win
  • 23% believe their own state should secede from the union
  • 77% believe public school students should be taught the Bible's version of creation

Amazed by these results, I commissioned a poll by Tung & Cheek Research, which revealed even more startling but imagined results about Republicans.

  • 22% believe Scott Brown is a distant cousin of the Godfather of Soul, James Brown
  • 18% believe if you step on a crack, you'll break your mother's back
  • 29% believe they have been abducted by aliens
  • 37% believe the dictionary contains too many dirty words
  • 51% believe Mother Teresa was a Democrat
  • 43% believe Big Foot is an illegal immigrant
  • 84% believe being left-handed is a choice
  • 63% believe if condoms are kept out of schools, teenagers won't have sex
  • 59% believe no home is complete without a Smith & Wesson
  • 39% believe Rudy Giuliani has a rational thought every week or so
  • 81% believe Sarah Palin wrote a 400-page memoir but only 3% knew that 395 pages were pictures
  • 90% believe Palin still reads "all the papers"
  • 47% believe Palin should run for president in 2012 (98% of those were Democrats)
  • 44% believe Palin writes notes on her hand to save trees
  • 26% believe it was a harmless mistake for Palin to ship earthquake relief supplies to Tahiti
  • 84% believe being a drug addict is immoral and a crime, unless you're a conservative talk radio host
  • 93% believe Keith Olbermann is Satan
  • 87% believe "Onward Christian Soldiers" should be the national anthem
  • 69% believe Teabaggers have some ideas but can't name even one
  • 24% believe Toyota is trying to kill us because of Hiroshima and Nagasaki
  • 24% believe dropping a couple of nukes on Iraq will make Ahmadinejad show us a little respect
  • 22% believe, as David Letterman revealed, that Scott Brown got his start in politics by rounding up illegals in his truck and taking them to mow Mitt Romney's lawn
  • 125% believe W beat Al Gore in 2000

Dan Payne is a Boston-area media consultant who has worked for Democratic candidates around the country. He also does political analysis for WBUR radio.