What sets Camp Oakwood apart from the rest? Is it our acres of shady green fields, free of poison ivy that our neighboring camps are struggling so valiantly to contain? Is it our high-energy counselors who return year after year, because they are legally documented U.S. citizens? Or is it our generous "late-bird special" pricing plan, aimed at discriminating parents like you who do not believe in rushing any decision that concerns your children, especially when it comes to choosing the right alternative to Camp Tomahawk, which had the misfortune last year of being shut down by the Department of Sanitation for five repeated incidences of human fecal material floating in their pool?
At Camp Oakwood, you see, we have a mission statement: "We help your child celebrate who he or she is meant to be." Maybe you know your child is meant to be captain of the travel soccer team, even though he has difficulty remembering that, when the ball comes, you are supposed to kick it. Camp Oakwood is a top-rated sports camp boasting the Blue Ribbon Badge of Honor from the American Association of Summer Athletic Programs. Our campers go on to compete in junior varsity, varsity, and Olympic team games. It's all part of our mission statement: "To build self-esteem through sports."
"Gonorrhea" is a word you will never hear at Camp Oakwood. While it is certainly no secret that Brittney McDonough ("Mc-Done-Her"), the promiscuous head counselor of Camp Rockwood's group 3B-Mermaids, has enjoyed a well-earned reputation for reaching out to the troubled male C.I.T. s of nearby Camp Meadowbrook, resulting in last summer's outbreak of venereal disease at both locations, each of our carefully-screened counselors at Camp Oakwood is required to place their hand on a copy of the Old Testament (we do not condone the unspoken anti-Semitism practiced at all other camps) and take an oath of abstinence. We encourage you to take a guided tour of our grounds, so you can see for yourself that none of our female counselors have distended abdomens, a telltale sign that they are impregnated, as they are at Camps Monroe and Sherwood.
And while you're here, please let us show off our brand new play structure! In keeping with our mission statement, "Play structures, not teenage pregnancies," it is covered in colorful foam rubber, with a rubberized ground surface to eliminate scrapes and boo-boos such as a four-year-old boy falling off the monkey bars and becoming permanently paralyzed because his counselor was high on Molly last summer at Camp Wompanaget. Your kids will love climbing on it! And you'll love knowing that they are at a camp who's mission statement is "Safety First," instead of one that is owned by Mel Evans of Shady Acres, who does not rinse his recycling before placing it in the bin.
Tetherball. Nature hikes. Arts n' crafts. An instructional swim program with none of the drowning deaths that go unreported at Camp Brookhaven each year. It's not too late to give your children the summer they were meant to have. It's not to late for Camp Oakwood.