07/31/2015 02:47 pm ET Updated Jul 31, 2016

All Roads Lead to the Vagina

I was at my dermatologist recently for my semi-annual skin check -- don't judge, I've had things.

I waited in the room for the doctor, wearing my poly blend gown, and browsed through the many pamphlets that were prominently displayed on the countertop. It looked like a friggin' library.

Suck this out, laser that, freeze those and fill this. I hadn't seen my doctor in, yes, six months, (that is the definition of semi-annually after all), and when my lady doctor entered the room, it was clear that she had taken a page, or three, from her own library of procedures. She looked as if she personally tested the products, and had been sucked, frozen and filled. I had a completely new doctor.

I have written about shooting up Botox, and one day soon, (very soon I'm guessing) I might write about fillers. At the same time, I think cosmetic altering is getting a wee ridiculous. I am speaking solely aesthetics here.

I give you vulva cosmetic surgery; not to be confused with vaginal rejuvenation. Although maybe it's the same thing, I'm still trying to figure out what the hell the vulva is.

Some women want to make their vulva's pretty, so they seek out corrective surgery, as if there's something wrong with their vulva. What, like it's keeping them up at night, like a deviated septum, so they get rhinoplasty? Is there actually a gold standard for the vulva? Is it supposed to be symmetrical?

Is mine symmetrical? Now I have to contort my body into a pretzel to see if my vulva veers slightly off to the right, like my nose does. After dinner, I'm going to throw my legs up around my head, sit on the floor in front of the mirror in my boudoir, while I watch America Ninja Warrior. I don't want to miss the qualifying round.

Didn't we just learn about the clitoris? Can we take a moment to process the 411, before we get into (pun intended) the vulva? Can we please give the vagina a day off?

Medical reasons are one thing, but those that want some manufactured vulva ideal are probably the same people, and I'm just spit balling here, that would seek out anal bleaching and taint (perineum) tightening, if given half a chance.

Go ahead ladies, alter your coos, if it will make you happy. I just want to know when I'm going to see brochures in my doctor's office on the latest advances in penis enlargement. Let's give equally to the male gender, offering cosmetic surgery to straighten crooked cocks. And when is that surgeon from Oslo going to develop a procedure that lifts the ball sack, like a facelift. Better yet, what about a testicle job, to turn those B balls into double D's.