04/23/2009 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

Gossip Girl: March Madness

I'm back and firmly planted on my couch, thanks to a week of free meals at Park Avenue Winter (you know what that means). Let's see what venerable New York institutions Gossip Girl can defile this week:

8:01 Nate is spending the summer with Vanessa. Backpacking in Eastern Europe. He might as well paper cut his nostrils while he's at it.

8:03 Are Nate and Dan meeting up to watch the NCAA Tournament? Because it's not called "The Game." There's 63 of them.

8:04 Chuck offers to lick Blair's wounds. I wouldn't mind seeing the logistics of this.

8:06 What makes less sense than Nate showing up to his super blue-blood family reunion with jeans and sneakers? Showing up with Vanessa and Dan. And who calls their grandfather "grandfather"?

8:08 I think I just saw a group of people encircle Dan and Grandfather and applaud their hug. Yes, Tivo confirms.

8:09 Who the hell is this d-bag Carter? I'm too lazy to copy/paste everything I said about Jack Bass, but imagine that I did.

8:15 Lily and Slash? Come on. She would have definitely nabbed Axl.

8:16 Thought my remote just flipped to the middle of Wedding Crashers. Nope, just a pretty faithful reenactment of their football scene.

8:19 What happened in Santorini? Serena give up her and Rufus's love child?

8:26 Dan would get injured playing touch football. And he would go home and ice it and compare it to Fight Club.

8:27 Second Bluefly plug in as many minutes just in case you missed the first one.

8:29 Wow, powerhouse scene: Chuck doesn't want to play Where's Waldorf, Dorota reams him a new one in Polish, and admits what we're all thinking: it's too hard to keep track of the whims of these crazy chicks.

8:36 Memo to the next character possessing a secret note that can cause lots of trouble: don't just leave it around willy-nilly in front of Rufus.

8:39 Chuck can get twins shipped to his Palace suite at a moment's notice, but he's still a big fan of "adult entertainment" websites? I'd like to think Chuck is a class above your average middle-school masturbator.

8:40 Blair's ass. You all know the exact moment I'm talking about.

8:48 Some thoughts I had once I zoned out during the longest scene in GG history:
Jenny is not getting nearly enough airtime. Vanessa should take Dorota to Poland. Who's teaching Rachel's English classes now?

8:52 I've resorted to doing Stuntmen to keep my eyes open for this episode. Stuntman: assemble the traditional components for a shot of tequila. Snort the salt. Shoot the tequila. Squeeze the lime into your eye.

8:55 That is an authentic Brooklyn pizza right there. Kudos.

8:58 Alright, I'm a sucker for these diabolical endings. Well done conclusion to a dreadfully boring episode. They better come with some thunder next week. Until then, stay spottin' like a dalmatian with binoculars.