Gentlemen, Scholars and Gronkowskis,
Well, the big day is almost here. I know we've only been together a couple of weeks, but it feels like just yesterday I was sitting in an online draft lobby -- the last pick had just been made -- and all I could do was sit there staring at you guys, my newly formed roster. As five minutes turned to fifteen, I was entranced at how beautiful you all looked together. At that moment, I knew my life would never be the same.
Now of course you all may be wondering, how this team, "Some Brady That I Used To Know," is different from last year's team, "When A Manning Loves A Woman." The answer, quite simply, is that it just is and I'd appreciate if you'd stop bringing this up.
Last year's team was decimated by injuries and Tony Romo. This year's team is the finest collection of athletes and minds that were available at my draft pick. You were all selected for a specific purpose, aside from my third wide receiver who was automatically picked while I took a bathroom break.
Quarterback #1: This goes without saying, but I'm going to need you to be a leader for us. It's no secret that we have some character issues in the "Some Brady" wide receiver corps so I'm going to need you to lead by example. There was never a question in my mind after scanning your last five seasons of box scores that you were the man for this job. You're my Matt Saracen. Let's win state.
Wide Receivers: Now guys, I'm sure by now that you've heard the rumors but I can assure you that the allegations that there have been serious trade talks between me and Daylight Come And Me Wanna Delhomme are probably not true. But never mind with off the field distractions, at this moment you men have as important a responsibility as you'll ever face in your lives: Ensuring that I defeat defending league champion "Get Naked" in week 1 of the season. As I've already told you, if there's one thing that deeply offends me, it's run-based offenses, but right behind that is fantasy football team names that aren't puns.
Running back #1: Sweet, sweet, beautiful running back #1, I can't tell you how much you just being here means to me right now. I hate mixing business with my personal life, but I just have to tell you that I... I love you.
Defense: Don't worry about the other stuff I said, I'm probably going to drop you.
Running back #2: OK, let's make this clear. I don't like you, you probably wouldn't like me but we're stuck in this together, so lets just make the most of it. You're "but I have long-term potential" schtick may mean something in some leagues, but here it doesn't count for anything. Lets just get through this season so we never have to talk again. Why can't you just be more like running back #1, running back #2?
Tight end: I see on your schedule that you're planning to take a bye week off in November and that just doesn't work for me. You don't have a backup and the waiver wire is a barren wasteland right now.
Kicker: Whatever, do your thing.
I've done my job by signing up for the league, coming up with an amazing team name and staying attentive for like, 85 percent of the draft. Now all I'm asking for in return is for you to outperform legions of defenders who have been tirelessly training their entire lives for the opportunity to methodically destroy you.
Guys, I'm not going to lie, I burn a lot of bridges during the fall due to my dedication to you, so we're going to be spending a lot of time together. Between September and January, you're my best friend, mother, father and, as history has regrettably proven, girlfriend, so let's just get comfortable with this fact now. This is football season!
I'm sorry for yelling, I know I said I'd work on that after last year's week 15 meltdown.
Do you honestly think I like what I've become, fantasy football? I just can't quit you.
As of now, some of you identify yourselves as Patriots, others as Steelers. Forget about all that. Now you're just Some Brady That I Used To Know.
Damn that name is catchy.
Fantasy Football Team Owner