11/30/2012 02:02 pm ET Updated Jan 30, 2013

Transcript of Barack Obama and Mitt Romney's Passive-Aggressive Lunch in the Oval Office

Barack Obama: Mitt, it's great to see you, welcome to the Oval Office!

Mitt Romney: Barack, it's my pleasure.

*President Obama goes in for hug*
*Governor Romney goes in for fist pound*
*Both pause*
*President Obama goes in for fist pound*
*Governor Romney goes in for hug*
*Both pause, shake hands*

Obama: Please, take a seat.

*Romney walks around desk*

Obama: Um, no, that's my chair.

Romney (mumbling): Barely.

Obama: What's that?

Romney: I said... Barley. Are we... having something barley-related for lunch?

Obama: What?... No... well if you want I can have the kitchen make something but...

Romney: No, it's fine.

Obama: Ok then, well, Mr. Romney, I invited you here today to discuss ideas and to hopefully develop the building blocks of a consensus between our parties so that the country can move forward.

Romney: Oh, so that's why you invited me? Not because it's an American tradition?

Obama: Ok, well that too.

Romney (leans back in chair and puts feet on desk): So, this office is lovely. I mean, I've had bigger offices as a product of my success, but this is a very impressive sized office for a man of your qualifications.

Obama: ... I'm a two-term president of the United States.

*Awkward pause*

Romney: So, what are we eating?

Obama: Well, for lunch we have some white turkey chili and a Southwestern grilled chicken salad.

Romney: Ah, a Southwestern grilled chicken salad, like from Arizona?

Obama: Oh, well actually most of the ingredients for this salad come from Nevada and New Mexico.

Romney: Oh.

Obama: But I think you'll really like the chili. Straight from Ohio. Or maybe it was Pennsylvania...

Romney: That's hilarious, Mr. President. Very mature. And why are the only drinks beer and orange juice?

Obama: Well the orange juice is from Florida and the beer is from Milwaukee, Wiscons...

Romney: Okay, that's enough. I didn't come here to have the election results rubbed in my face. Our country is at a serious crossroads and we must protect the integrity of our positions as leaders.

Obama: You're right, you're right. I'm sorry. The whole election has just taken a lot out of me and I'm sure you as well. I just want to unwind and go on a nice vacation with Michelle and the kids.

Romney: Let me guess, you want to go to the Cayman Islands.

Obama: Well I was thinking Switzerland, but do you know any good spots in the Cayman Islands?

Romney: Well, this has been very productive but I think it's about time I leave.

Obama: Oh, that's a shame, but before you go can you sign the Oval Office's official guest book. It's an honor very few distinguished people throughout history have been given and I'd be very thankful for your signature.

*Hands Governor Romney a pen*

Romney (signing): You know, Mr. President, in another time, we might have been friends. Would you like your pen back?

Obama: Oh no, consider it a gift.