07/08/2008 05:12 am ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

Clinton and Obama: Love Will Keep Us Together

The following is a snark filled rant/column by The Black Snob on a crippling addiction sweeping the American press -- Clinton Addiction. The affects are crippling on campaign coverage as a gaggle of junkies remain obsessed over the junior senator from New York and "The Comeback Kid."

I'm aware that some people are still waiting for the other shoe to drop in this marriage of convenience, but I'm sorry. I don't see that coming. Everyone has too much to lose here. Barack wants to be president. Hillary wants to be president ... someday. He wants her supporters. She wants help with her debt. It might forced, calculated and formal, but this is it.

I have to suppress the eye-rolling with the pundits and political reporters who went from wondering why Clinton was still in the race to asking Barack if he would pick Clinton as his VP to calling for Clinton to endorse Barack.

Then when she did endorse him, they glossed over the fact that she was pretty effusive and gracious. Then the pundits whined and cried when the Clintons, both of them, politely went into the background leaving them wondering where the Clintons were and why they hadn't seen them. And now that Hillary and Barack have been talking they want to know where Bill Clinton is and what was up with his tersely worded statement that he'd support Barack. What did that mean? The pundits cried. WHAT DID THAT MEAN???

I realize some people hate the Clintons. Well, I hate the people covering the Clintons. That's why I'm staging an intervention. Pundits, I hate to have to tell you this but you're addicted to the Clintons. Seriously. And it's hurting everyone who watches you.

You could talk about Barack and his campaign, but nooooo. Even when Bill and Hill are not out whoring for news you're still in the studio and at your news desks wondering why they aren't out whoring for news. This must be a trick, you cry! Ummm ... they lost, assholes. That's why you haven't seen or heard from them. It's over.

On Hardball the other night Chris Matthews spent hardly three minutes talking about John McCain and the other 45 minutes talking about Barack, Hillary and Bill. The damn primary is over and they're still following the "Where the Clintons go, news shall follow" policy.

I suspect that if Barack does become president, come inaugural day the chattering class will celebrate this historic moment by asking, "but what do the Clintons think?"

Sometimes I wonder if it ever occurred to them that maybe Barack didn't want Bill Clinton doing a whole bunch grandstanding and clogging up his spotlight with a big attention grabbing endorsement to obscure his wife's big attention grabbing stumping for Obama. So he doesn't want to show up with him. Fine. Didn't all you pundits agree he was a liability who harmed his wife's campaign? So now you want him to show up and ruin Barack's campaign? Let the man stay in Europe for God's sake. Let him move there, if he so pleases. After all, he didn't run against Barack in the primary. HIS WIFE DID. And she's going to stump with the man. Love conquers all. Move on.

Stop beating a dead Clinton campaign and cover the general election, dammit! John McCain is fumbling around in the dark and all you can think about is how to get your Clinton fix. When Bill went back to working for his charity I saw Jack Cafferty in an alley freebasing Ron Paul just to make it through the day. If only they could boil the Clintons down to a hard rock substance that you could smoke to get your high.

I just want to tell you, Michelle Bernard, Chris Matthews, Andrea Mitchell, Tucker Carlson, Wolf Blitzer, George Will, Maureen Dowd, et al -- I'm taking your Clinton Crack Pipe away. You can have it back when the Clintons actually do something newsworthy like, convince Chelsea to move to Rhode Island and run for governor. Or when Hill and Bill run for United Nations Secretary General and Pope.

I got that last line from Saturday Night Live, but I digress ...

If you're a pundit or political news reporter and you are for some reason reading by blog, I suggest that you take this handy quiz to see if you may be a Clinton Crack Addict.

Hillary and Bill wedding photo


When you see a picture of Barack Obama do you think, "I wonder if Bill Clinton cheated on Hillary with Gina Gershon?"

Did you stake out the home of Dorothy Rodham for eight days straight just to accost her in a grocery store asking if Hillary was "emotional" over her $25 million in campaign debt and if she'd cried to her recently about how "sad" she was over not winning?

When you see a picture of John McCain do you think, "McCain-Clinton '08? It could happen."

Did you name your dog or cat "Billary?"

Do you end every report, "But what does Hillary want?"

When you look at a picture of Barack with black voters do you indistinctly want to refer to them as ex-Bill Clinton supporters?

When you see a picture of Mitt Romney do you think, "He would make a good Secy. of Commerce in a McCain-Clinton Administration... wait, no! In a CLINTON-McCain administration! Yes! Yes! That could happen, right? Right?"

Does the Secret Service have your name on file because they caught you inside Hillary Clinton's Washington, D.C. home trying on her pantsuits?

Are you doodling "Chelsea Clinton 2024" over and over on your reporter's notebook?

If you answered yes to any of these answers, you sir or madam, are a Clinton Crack Addict. Please, get thee to Betty Ford stat, lest you catch Baracknaphobia (or Barachphilla. Both are potentially troublesome). And try to space out the politics with some war coverage. We do have two, TWO wars going on. Just a suggestion.

To read more rants, satire and dialog on politics, pop culture and social issues check out The Black Snob Blog online.