Let’s face it: When you are a Hollywood celebrity accustomed to having everything you could possibly want sent to you on approval, it’s pretty enraging when some dorky out-of-towner won’t take your views on farm policy seriously.
You, like, played a farmer’s wife, okay? In the biggest box-office hit of the summer! You were, like, nominated. So where does that freakin’ congressman from Iowa get off telling you that you can’t testify on Capitol Hill about the plight of American farmers? LOL!!
Admit it. Hollywood misses those halcyon days of the Clinton administration, when the Lincoln bedroom functioned as a luxury hotel suite for crusading celebrities. In the first term of the Bush administration I bumped into Bruce Willis over the M&M bowl in the White House Mess: A happier looking man you could not imagine. Just wait until he told his pals what he’d said to the President! (“I think you really kick ass, sir.”) You can’t buy that access with even the best agent or publicist. But why should Willis, Ron Silver and Bo Derek for gosh sakes hog all the official invites these days?
So here is my suggestion to aspiring Hollywood types who don’t want to spend the next four years stuck in their blue state Elba. Write a memo. That’s what goes over big here. A tip: While the collective noun “people” is often used in D.C., it is used with reverence, as in “We the people” or “the American people.” Never as in, “my people.” Also, the Prez prefers Arial font. It should read something like this:
[Impressive Hollywood letterhead]
TO: President Bush
FROM: Impressive Hollywood Bigwig
RE: New Movie Project
Dear Mr. President,
I’m taking the liberty of drawing your attention to a project recently greenlighted by Mammoth Studios, as I think it will be of considerable interest to your administration (also please find enclosed some VIP passes and linehopper tickets to the Mammoth theme park—I hope you and your family and/or staff will be able to use them!) .
We’ve come under a lot of criticism lately from you and your supporters for what is perceived as our “liberal bias.” Indeed, I’m willing to admit that the last election—not to mention, recent box office returns-- prove that many of us in the entertainment industry are out of touch with mainstream America. We’re hoping a new movie, currently in development, will go a long way in changing that perception.
Briefly, the plot is this: A Mid-Western high school girl (think Lindsay Lohan) discovers that she is pregnant. She is scared and embarrassed—but also, she strongly wants to keep the baby. Now I know what you’re thinking. In every other Hollywood movie of the past three decades in which a girl gets pregnant, she is wisely counseled to seek an abortion by her school guidance counselor, while her father—a lay Evangelical minister, former Klan-member, and crooked car dealer—insists she must carry the baby because that’s what God would want. Eventually the whole story gets caught up in politics, with angry pro-life protestors waving pictures of dead fetuses at the weeping girl, whose cause has been taken up by a brave and kind Democratic congresswoman. This politician is determined to stand up for freedom of choice, because that’s what this country was founded upon. Well, all I can say is that’s not going to be this movie. Our twist: While the girl’s boyfriend supports her decision to keep the baby—he even offers to take a job, finish his diploma by night, and marry her—her environmentalist, anti-war activist father insists she get an abortion. The political fight that ensues takes place between pro-choice groups (think Kirstie Alley in a mumu, screaming through a megaphone) and a brave and kind Republican congresswoman. This politician is determined to stand up for the preservation of life and family values, because that’s what our country was founded upon.
We’ve already got the attention of big names. Lynda Carter has signed on as the Republican congresswoman. Sean Penn has voiced interest in the “challenge” of the father’s role. And Teri Hatcher has been pitched for the cameo role of First Lady.
I’ll be in Washington next month. I’d be delighted to stop by the White House and brief you further on this project. Of course, we appreciate and look forward to any input you might have.