07/06/2013 01:48 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

Wanted: Colon-Friendly Restaurant

Why is it that at some point or another, many of us dream about opening a restaurant?


I can barely manage to make dinner for my three-person family the majority of the week. But yet when I daydream, I sometimes come up with menu selections for an imaginary diner that I probably will never open.

Although unrealistic, I kind of like dreaming about opening a restaurant. Especially after a week of "tummy troubles" and a weekend spent in the hospital after a battle with my small intestine. My creative juices are really flowing as I'm desperate to distract myself from my reality. Yet because food is causing many of my troubles, my mind can't help but wonder to my diner.

So what restaurant would I open this week? Well, it's certainly not homespun, comfort foods. Nor does it involve salads, ice cream, red meat or anything else the average person would probably seek in a fine eating establishment.

No, this week I am opening up a restaurant for all of my colon friends who also suffer from "tummy troubles" from time to time. A colon-friendly, Crohn's-sensitive, ulcerative colitis-loving, IBS-easy menu is at the top of my wish list this week.

I'm still working on a name. Colon Kitchen just really isn't going to work for this sort of thing.

But I've already got some great menu items on the docket. Check it out:

  • Grilled chicken. Yep -- that's it. No butter. No sauce. No creamy goodness. Just chicken.
  • Turkey sandwich. On plain bread. Maybe some cheese (for those who can handle lactose.)
  • Bowl of noodles. Add your own sauce if you're having a "good day."
  • Baked potato bar. We've got red, russet, yellow and sweet potatoes -- just go easy on the toppings.
  • Broth. We'd call it soup but there's not much to it.
  • Tortilla roll-up with lean ground beef and avocado.
  • Rice.

Of course, everything would be served with a loaf of organic, locally-made white bread and/or mashed potatoes. Kids would get complementary bags of baked snack crackers or rice cakes.

The bonus? You get a snack pack of plain M&Ms on the way out. Everyone needs a little cheat now and then.

As I draw up my menu, I realize that my diner is just that -- a nice daydream. It's unlikely that a bland food fad will ever take off.

I'm not sure the average person would appreciate such a restaurant. Fitness gurus won't like the lack of healthy vegetables and whole grains. And the anti-carb kids would definitely picket my storefront.

However, I have a feeling that on the right day, with right group of people, our tables would be packed. And although it's one of the many restaurant dreams I have that will probably never come to fruition, I think I like this "colon kitchen" idea the best.

We need a colon-friendly restaurant out there. Please let me know if there's ever one opening near Kansas City.

For more by Danielle Ripley-Burgess, click here.

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