THE BLOG
09/29/2015 07:02 pm ET Updated Sep 29, 2016

The Top 10 (I Guarantee It) Complaints on "Four Weddings"

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First of all, I miss the show "Four Weddings" with a passion. If you never watched this on TLC, you were missing out! Here you are, reading a wedding blog, and yet you've never seen the wedding competition show to end all wedding shows. Shame!

But if you have seen it (which is in re-runs - but I'm pretty sure is no longer filming), then you know what I'm talking about. Trash talk happens at every wedding, but no one ever really catches it. And as a former guest on this show, I can tell you -- they catch every last word said by the guest brides. Through the years though, it's pretty clear what the top 10 complaints have been and you will hear at least half of these in every episode. Who knows, maybe you'll hear them at the next wedding you go to...

So get out the sweatpants and popcorn, invite over a friend, Netflix an episode (or 47 of them) and follow along with this list:

1. Food with a face is a faux paus.

Is that a pig? Wearing sunglasses? Hell no. No one is going to eat that! At least, none of the guest brides are going to eat that. Why? Because even though they eat meat, they do not want to come face to face, literally, with what they are eating. Bonus points when you hear adjectives being thrown around like "foul", "disturbing", and "offensive". It doesn't mean you won't win if you have this, it just means it will be something from your wedding that will be focused on. A lot.

2. Sunrise weddings are the worst idea ever.

Sunrises are beautiful. You know what else they are? Early. I'm sorry, does your invitation say "5 a.m."? You have lost your damn mind. While the guests might be able to ditch the ceremony and come later, the guest brides have to attend everything. This probably means waking up hours in advance so that they can get driven to the location that could be anywhere from 20 minutes from their home to 4 hours away. A 1 a.m. towncar ride to the wedding I have to judge? Ha ha, you get a 1.

3. No wait, no bar is the worst idea ever.

Listen, a dry wedding *is* the worst idea ever. Doesn't matter what the reason is, people that go to weddings will want to drink. That isn't offensive, that isn't a lie, it just is. Just because people want to drink at a wedding, does not make them alcoholics. Get over it. Anyway, if you have a dry wedding on this show, you are not going on a free honeymoon most likely. The guest brides don't know that they should've packed a flask ahead of time, and production absolutely will catch them on camera as they shimmy up to the bar, order a martini and get shut down. Cue the dramatic music.

4. If your guests get too "turnt up" that will drive your score down.

Picture this: Everyone having a great time, music going, smiles all around... except for the 3 women judging your wedding. Like, O.EM.GEE. is that the type of friends you have? Ones that dance "inappropriately" on the dance floor and get drunk at weddings??! Heaven forbid! And yes, the behavior of your guests is a direct reflection of what your wedding was like/should be rated. You fail for picking bad friends. Do not pass go, do not collect $200 and do not get a free honeymoon.

5. The steak you are offering will always be the wrong temperature.

Steak should be cooked rare or medium rare. End of debate. You people eating well done steak are basically eating no nutrient leather garbage. Anyway, typically a caterer will serve steak either the way the couple instructs them to (which means the same way for everyone) or, in some rare cases (see what I did there?) they will ask the guest how they want their steak cooked. No matter what, it's always coming out wrong. Always. It's not cooked, it's over cooked, it's a hot mess and you should've eaten more at cocktail hour. That BBQ'd pig not looking so bad anymore, is it?

6. Long church ceremonies are boring, not personal, and boring.

Church ceremonies are always dubbed as "not personal". This is a total joke when it's the bride's church or the groom's church or THEIR church. Obviously, it's personal. And if they're Catholic, I'm gonna need everyone to hush up about the lack of decor. Catholic Churches are notorious for allowing nothing. Put a runner down and Jesus will burn down the place. I will say this though, if you're going to have a ceremony in a church, you should've provided programs. Not everyone there (and absolutely not the guest brides) understands your religion, culture or language. Like, why are you walking around the altar 30 times? Does God appear after you finish? What? Explanation please.

7. The weather is not appropriate for your outdoor anything. Even when it is.
Doesn't matter if it's snowing, raining, sunny, hot or cold...there is no weather that is acceptable on Four Weddings ever for anything to be outdoors. These couples in Florida and Arizona with their outdoor everything? It's basically "Africa hot" and why are you even doing so? A slight breeze and under 75 though? OMG why are there no pashminas being offered for favors along with a line of heat lamps? There is no such thing as "perfect weather" for an outdoor wedding on this show.

8. Band? Here's your 4th place position.
I don't understand the general hatred for bands. Yes, they can be loud, and no, it's not just like the song sounds on your radio or iPod or whatever. But there is a reason they command a higher price tag at weddings, and that is all I will say there. In any event, no matter how talented the band is, it's never appreciated. Stevie Wonder could appear from behind a curtain singing "As" and the guest brides will complain that it doesn't sound like Stevie Wonder.

9. Your dress sucks.

The issue with the dress category is that every guest bride is going to have an idea of what the perfect dress is. Hint: she's wearing it at her wedding. While the guest brides may like another dress, the fact is, they probably saw it at a boutique where they tried on other dresses and didn't like it enough to make it their own. The thought with this category though is that the guest brides are supposed to judge the gown as whether or not it works for the bride wearing it. Unfortunately, the guest brides have met each other for all of 15 minutes and know very little about one another. So, while a bride may be expected to be wearing a certain style because of everything the other brides know about her she might not be... because the other brides really know nothing about her. It's tough to do well in this category when it essentially means a bride would have to admit that another bride looked better than her. The key? Make it sentimental... wearing your late mother's veil? You win.

10. The food that they hate came with the venue that they love. You get a 2.
And finally the food category, where it's difficult to do well in to begin with. Wedding food will always have the stigma of being wedding food, especially if the wedding takes place in a banquet hall. Doesn't matter if the hall is $350 per plate, because if the building exists solely for weddings and social events, and the guests are offered beef/chicken/fish/vegetarian option, you will have tough critics on this show. Frequent complaint in this department? Not enough salt/pepper/garlic/seasoning in general. Adjectives like "bland" and "boring" are heard at 2 of the 4 weddings, if not all of them. The problem is, many venues are booked prior to a food tasting, and many couples want to choose the venue based on the venue and it's aesthetics, and not the food. Because, in their mind, the food can be amazing, but it doesn't matter if you're sitting in a run down loft space with no decor. So basically, venue and food being two separate categories isn't a great idea to begin with because they go hand in hand (unless you brought in an outside caterer), and you can get "best venue" while also receiving "worst food".

There you have it! The top 10 complaints you are guaranteed to hear on every episode of "Four Weddings". I really wish this show was still filming because it is a total guilty pleasure of mine. If you think I missed some obvious complaints, please let me know! Who knows, maybe a follow up post will be in order.