08/06/2009 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

Celebrating Freedom from Palinism

Sarah Palin has given us all a great gift, and her timing could not possibly have been better. On the eve of our independence day she officially declared her surrender in her imaginary war and set her country and her state free from her grasp. So many have speculated on the why, but one need only read the latest issue of Vanity Fair, perhaps the most timely piece of journalism in recent history, to understand why.

So it was no surprise that, during her clearly self-penned address on July 3 (there an editor in the house?), Palin didn't exactly come off like a strong leader bidding a contented farewell to his or her community after carrying out duty (she didn't). Nor did she resemble a defeated contender gracefully conceding the momentum of the victor (she wouldn't). She appeared more like a woman on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

In order to display such manic nervousness you have to have screwed up big time, like Governor Sanford or Senator Craig or Bill Clinton. And even they appeared calm and stately when they finally came before the press and sucked it up. But Palin didn't screw up badly, not even if you add up the unnumbered missteps that added up to her downfall. She just fell short of successfully being what the Republican party wanted her to be: an America's sweetheart who could charm the nation enough to put her in the White House and keep Americans' focus away from details (cause they don't really matter). Meanwhile, America seals its reputation in the world as a narcissistic empire with a bloated military budget that knows nothing about anything. Except sports. She couldn't deliver.

Once she came around to the point of her speech, it was clear that Palin had multiple motives for bringing herself to our attention. It wasn't merely to announce her resignation; that was the opening act. The headliner was her continuing mission to blame us for her misfortune; to be known as the victim of unfair treatment by the usual suspects in the mainstream media and the blogosphere. During the finale, she profoundly emphasized the grandeur of her self-defeating soap opera by labeling her months on the world stage "the real climate change". One last flip of the bird at the vast majority of civilized earthlings who now accept that environmental consequence isn't sci-fi. That alone should earn her a job replacing James Inhoffe when he retires. A woman with a bright future like that can claim to be a casualty of the "blood sport" known as politics?

Uh-uh. Sorry, Sarah. You don't get to complain about the harshness of politics when you're the one who drew first blood at your party's convention. You don't get to condemn the same attack machine that you use so often and arbitrarily on your own behalf. You don't get to cry foul when you're winking and grinning from the lectern while supporters before you call for your opponent's death. Not his defeat, not his humiliation, but his death, Ma'am. And you said nothing. Because nothing is really negative unless it's directed at you. And then God help the perpetrators.

Who can we blame for thrusting this intellectual insult upon us? Palin herself? Nah. She would have been content running Alaska and hanging with Alaskans and wouldn't have thought twice about being on the national stage had William Kristol not come along and filled her head with starry eyed notions of power. He's the one on whose doorstep this whole flaming bag of political shit must land. He and other neocons convinced both Pailn and John McCain to run Palin, her whacky family antics and her loony bin followers all the way up the flagpole and ask us all to salute.

It's all a moot point now. We, the US of A are once again free (at least those of us not glued to Fox News). Will Sarah Palin still have a stage on which to bear the drama? Of course. Hannity and Van Susteren will give her a clip-on mic anytime she wants. Her loyal base will honor her as a cultural martyr and keep her as their leader until someone else with more political clout takes over. But for anyone expecting an impressive 2012 White House run out of her, I'll paraphrase your own Dennis Miller: the day Sarah Palin becomes president is the day Rosie O'Donnell runs with the bulls at Pomplona.