06/13/2014 05:43 pm ET Updated Aug 13, 2014

Cantor Defeat Rooted in Anti-Semitism

Big data says "no"

WASHINGTON DC - Amid rampant speculation about why House Majority Leader Eric Cantor lost the Virginia primary to a virtual unknown, news outlets from the The New York Times, to Daily Kos, to Haaretz have suggested that anti-semitism may have been a factor.

However analysis by Prima Facie University's School of Applied Mathematics using the latest in big data crunching technology suggests a deeper human prejudice may explain Cantor's stunning defeat.

Surveying over 2000 registered voters, pollsters learned that voters from across a wide spectrum of political beliefs strongly object to being governed by a putz.

According to findings, it matters little to voters whether a particular putz is Jewish, Christian or Muslim.

"The study seems to suggest that a putz is a putz is a putz," said Aaron Giltberg, Professor of Inutile Erudition at Prima Facie. "Voter's don't care which bible a putz is thumping.

Giltberg and his colleagues have traced human putz aversion all the way back to Sumerian culture, where pictograms on scraps of ancient pottery indicate that the political fortunes of early putzes were no better than they are today.

Giltberg pointed out an artifact from Sumer depicting a middle aged putz being buried in excrement by an angry mob of warriors and merchants. The Cuneiform inscription has been translated as "once a putz, always a putz."

"Nobody likes putz. Plain and simple," said Rabbi Bradley Moscowitz of University Temple. "When you have someone like Mr. Cantor -- a putz of the highest magnitude -- it's wonderful to see how everybody rallies together in mutual repulsion. It restores one's faith in humanity."