12/23/2014 11:18 am ET Updated Feb 21, 2015

Dick Cheney, Enemy Combatant, Volunteers to be Tortured for Nation's Good

WASHINGTON -- Late this afternoon, former Vice President Dick Cheney agreed to be waterboarded and rectally hydrated in order to safeguard U.S. citizens and preserve American values.

Cheney spoke with Wolf Blitzer on CNN. "It's been alleged that my special brand of fear-mongering and disregard for law and human dignity make me an enemy combatant -- a threat to the American way of life," said Cheney.

"Of course, I'm innocent," he explained. "But, as I've said, it's okay to torture the innocents for days, months or even years to achieve our objective. Even if I'm accidentally killed by torture-induced hypothermia, I'm not troubled by that in the least. I'll sleep just fine."

Blitzer, a veteran of international reportage, pointed out that sleep deprivation is known to impact sleep, but Cheney was unmoved, simply referring to Blitzer as a "sackless friend of Fidel."

According to the Justice Department, Mr. Cheney will be extradited to an undisclosed country with no formal torture policies. "He will be treated to that spa's full menu of enhancements," said Bob Lapdoug, Undersecretary for Legal Hijinks. "But rest assured that the United States of America does not torture."