01/29/2014 02:46 pm ET Updated Mar 31, 2014

Huckabee's Strong Words Arouse Women's Libidos

In an unexpected reaction to Mike Huckabee's statement that Democrats don't trust libidinous women to control themselves, women across the country have been throwing themselves into wanton and often out-of-character sex acts.

In many cases, these women have been attacking priggish men who remind them of Mr. Huckabee, such as priests, high school administrators and bow-tied conservative pundits.

Police are recommending that victims feign a morally lax point-of-view, to temporarily reduce the attackers state of arousal.

One woman-turned-predator, Dotty Coldbottom, explained that upon watching Huckabee's statement on TV, "the devil got into my loins and drove me straight to Hussy-town."

Mrs. Coldbottom was found later that day, holding editors from the Weekly Standard at gunpoint and demanding oral sex.

Reports from various attackers confirm a pattern. Women exposed to Mr. Huckabee's pronouncements conflating sexuality with immorality find themselves suddenly unable to control their lust.

"The way he says things that don't make a whiff of sense -- and with such authority. I just makes me all warm and runny," said another breathless attacker.

Not surprisingly, Democrats are calling for free condoms to be distributed to men fitting the police profile -- middle-aged scolds who fear sex.

But some conservative leaders argue that these so called "Huckabee babies" should be brought to term and raised to be an army of professional scolds, forever reminding the nation's heathen that sex is an unnatural, sinful act, invented by Hollywood liberals.

Authorities have asked news outlets to voluntarily refrain from showing or posting the video clip, but bootlegged copies are being shared across social media and attacks continue to mount. Aging evangelicals are advised to stay home.

Dr. Imon Teiveigh appeared on Fox & Friends, suggesting that conservative women exposed to the clip conjure the image of Bill Clinton, to flood their brains with righteous indignation and restore healthy levels of sexual repression.