05/12/2014 03:36 pm ET Updated Jul 12, 2014

Scandal Derails Hillary's Presidential Bid

Pepper Memo rocks Washington

WASHINGTON -- Through the Freedom of Information Act, Republicans have uncovered a memo confirming decisively that Vince Foster died and that the Clintons were in the White House in the same year.

The memo, concerning catering for a meeting, indicates that Hillary Clinton did not think stuffed pepper was a finger food, whereas Foster felt that smaller peppers could be handled without incident.

Forensic experts have carbon dated the 20 year old document, determining that Foster's suicide occurred precisely during the Clinton Administration and that cumin was likely a primary spice in the peppers.

Republican operatives have long contended that the Clintons killed Vince Foster, but a maddening pile of evidence and facts have conspired to hamper their efforts

Texas Senator Ted Cruz, speaking at an impromptu press arranged months in advance by Americans for Prosperity, demanded that a fresh investigation of the 1993 faux scandal be launched immediately.

"This memo is the smoking gun -- not literally, because the smoke would have dissipated by now -- but, you know -- the kind that proves that Hillary is not likable and, if elected, might kill staffers," said Cruz.

"More importantly, this revelation demands that we re-open investigations into Whitewater, Travelgate, Madison-gate, Monica-gate, Flowers-gate, Trooper-gate, Bill Gates and the Goldengate Bridge."

Cruz pointed out that Benghazi and Whitewater share the letters "I" and "E," proving, he said, that the two scandals are linked and merit an additional committee investigation. "Those letters are also in the phrase, Independent Prosecutor," added Cruz.

In a separate press conference, Senator Mitch McConnell indicated that he would call for a committee to look into Teapot Dome, as well as the suspicious deaths of McKinley, Hamilton and Republican Abraham Lincoln.

Fox News announced that it will interrupt all regular programming to focus exclusively on this breaking story.

CNN plans to air regular programming, stating that "a news station that ignored the rest of the planet while it focused on one non-story simply to garner ratings would lose all credibility and be the laughing stock of the news industry."