08/02/2010 06:18 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

When A-Rod's Fan Club Meets, the Room Is Empty

Alex Rodriguez was on steroids for a while, which made him so strong that he smacked home runs decades before his parents conceived him.

Given A-Rod's history of "juicing," I can't begin to describe how excited I am about his quest to reach 600 homers. As I write this post, the Yankee third baseman remains stuck at 599 -- which was the name of Get Smart agent 5.99 after he bulked up, too.

Anyway, just how exciting is A-Rod's quest for 600? I compared his quest to watching paint dry, and decided that watching paint dry is more exciting. I joined a crowd of fans staring at a newly painted wall, and we erupted into applause 10 hours later when the paint looked less wet. As the crowd realized the paint had dried without performance-enhancing drugs, the applause turned into a prolonged standing ovation. Tears of joy were shed, and we wiped our eyes with stray $100 bills from A-Rod's pockets.

Yes, A-Rod is baseball's highest-paid player. That's another reason why fans have worked themselves into a frenzy of apathy over the slugger's efforts to join the 600 club. We care about incredibly rich people, because they're just like us. They eat, they breathe, and they own 365 luxury cars in order to drive a different one each day. On the 366th day of a leap year, they take a bus -- which I'm told is like a car on steroids.

Over the coming decade, A-Rod will probably threaten the all-time record of 762 homers held by suspected steroid user Barry Bonds. If A-Rod does pass Bonds, people will be celebrating all over the country -- but only if the 763rd "dinger" is hit on July 4, because people will be celebrating Independence Day anyway and won't give a hoot about one tainted player passing another. "All cheaters are created equal," as Thomas Jefferson wrote after facing pitcher Roger Clemens -- yet another suspected 'roid guy. Jefferson managed to line a single into right field with his Louisville Slugger quill pen before sending Lewis and Clark across the country in search of a route to the Seattle Mariners.

Go, A-Rod! As in ... go A-Way!