11/14/2009 05:12 am ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

Dear Hugh Jackman #2: A Bump in the Road

Dear Hugh Jackman,

Mondays -- am I right? Do not even get me started on this topic. Before I go getting all whiny about things though, first things first -- how are you? Awesome, I bet. After all, you are Hugh Jackman. I imagine "awesome" is pretty much the default setting and then it just escalates into varying degrees of awesomeness, not unlike your popular Wolverine character, who defied our expectations, forced us to set all new expectations, and then defied all those expectations we had just finished setting while watching you in such films as "Wolverine" (full title "X-Men Origins: Wolverine"), "X-Men," and "X2" (also known as "X-Men 2: X-Men United" or "X-Men 2: X-Men Unis" as it is known to your French followers).

I suppose at this point you are wondering how I am, even though we have never actually met. This is because you are Hugh Jackman, a man who takes the time to wonder how his admirers are actually doing, which is a hell of a lot more than I can say for John Travolta, Tate Donovan, and a handful of other so-called "stars" who came dangerously close to having an awareness group (or "fan club" as they are sometimes known in circles of people who don't "get it") formed in their honor by me, Dave Hill, a man who doesn't go forming awareness groups for just anybody, thank you very much.

Anyway, to answer your question, I am good mostly. I won't lie to you though -- the Jackmen (the non-profit organization devoted to raising awareness of you, Hugh Jackman, in North America that I told you about last time. Duh.) have hit a few bumps in the road. For starters, we (and when I say we I mean me and the several other people who are committed to spending our time promoting Jackmania© in its various forms) are having trouble getting officially recognized in the eyes of the IRS as a non-profit organization and/or religious group no matter how many faxes I send and as a result I am facing all sorts of headaches as a result of simply accepting the $1,000 setup fee required of all members or "Jackmen" upon admission to our group (like this is a "profit." It barely even covers the robes!).

Adding insult to injury is the fact that the new Wolverine jacket (old one not tight enough) I ordered in the mail arrived and is clearly burgundy with cream stripes when the Wolverine jacket you wore in the hit movie "X-Men Origins: Wolverine," mentioned earlier, is clearly brown with orange stripes. It is as if the manufacturer decided to just show up at my house and fuck me in the face instead of simply giving me the goods that I paid for with my own money via check or money order. All of this, of course, reminds me of the kind of bullshit you had to endure at the hands of Victor Creed a/k/a Sabretooth as played by Hollywood's Liev Schreiber in the hit movie "X-Men Origins: Wolverine" a/k/a the greatest movie of all-time.

Well, needless to say, we are both very busy men with a lot on our plates so it's not like I can sit around just chit-chatting with you when there is much work to be done. Monday is paperwork day here at the home office of the Jackmen. Do not even get me started on this topic. I am out of carbon paper. File under: last thing I need.

Yours in all things Jackman,
Dave Hill