While many world-renowned scientists have attributed the mysterious recent appearances of the primitive Mashco-Piro tribe on the banks of a jungle river in Peru to the encroachment of western civilization, one anthropologist has a different take. "They're here for the Facebook IPO," says Harvard anthropologist, Dr. Dean Mosley.
Dr. Mosley has been studying the random appearances by the reclusive Amazonian Indian tribe since last May, and he claims to have finally solved the mystery. "It took a while. Their language is a mixture of several different dialects, so it took months of decoding to figure out what they were trying to say."
During their first sighting back in May of 2011, several locals observed two members of the tribe break into the home of Nicolas "Shaco" Flores. Flores, a cultivated Indian, was killed a few moments later. Dr. Mosley interviewed the locals who witnessed the break-in and claims the tribesmen wanted to use Flores' laptop, a request which he refused, and thus, was subsequently shot full of arrows. When Dr. Mosley arrived at the scene he found the two tribesmen trying to access Mr. Flores' E*TRADE account, but they could not hack the password. So, they ate it.
"At first, I had no idea why people of such a primitive culture wanted to access the Internet. Then I realized, it was around the same time as financial analysts began talking about the possibility of a Facebook IPO. Sure enough, when I followed the Mashco back to their camp, I found several pieces of junk mail nearby, offering them 90 days of free trading for the opening of a new account. Once I had that piece, I knew it was only a matter of time before the rest of the puzzle fell into place."
After months and months of painstaking attempts to communicate with the Indians, a pattern emerged and Dr. Mosley was able to interpret what the tribal leader was saying. "From what I gather, the tribal leader, who calls himself 'Tuk,' claims he was in Zuckerberg's dorm room the day he created Facebook and believes he is owed several thousand shares of stock. He feels slighted he was left out of the movie and these recent appearances are his clan's attempt at a peace offering with the young billionaire."
According to Dr. Mosley, the most recent sighting of the tribe is because they are attempting to contact the Amazonian branch of Morgan Stanley, as they feel they are entitled to something when the company finally goes public. The tribe has offered a pile of sticks in return for a consultation as a show of good faith. Morgan Stanley could not be reached for comment.