07/29/2014 07:02 pm ET Updated Sep 28, 2014

Bachelor Parties for Guys Over 40 Should Be Against the Law

The Bachelor Party. A time-honored tradition of male-bonding in which a group of friends wish "Bon Voyage" to their lucky - or unlucky - friend about to take the plunge into matrimony, by eating more than they ever have, drinking an ocean's worth of Mexico's finest national product, and spending enough money to cover Portugal's national debt on women they can't even touch.

Having recently participated in a bachelor party for my best friend who's getting married - again - I can tell you, a bunch of intoxicated, sexually-repressed Jews wandering the meat-packing district for hours, with no clear destination, you definitely begin to understand what it must have felt like 2000 years ago. Not a good vibe.

It's bad enough to have to endure a testosterone-fueled, and ultimately feudal, evening like this when you're in your twenties. But, when you hit 40-plus, and you're all sitting around after dinner wondering what to do, and the suggestion that receives the most votes is "Ben and Jerry's," you know it's over.

Twenty years ago, the post-dinner conversation immediately began with talk about going to Score's. Now, it's about going for s'mores. Of course, eventually, the former wins out - if only as a poorly-disguised attempt to cling to whatever's left of your youth - which, ironically, in the end, makes you feel older. So, what's the point?

My suggestion; just give it up, guys. There's nothing worse than an almost 50 year-old, drunken man-child, shamelessly cat-calling out the car window to a pre-pube female in heels so high she looks like a new-born giraffe.

Not to mention, if you're anything like me, the more you're supposed to have a good time, the worse it is. Case in point; New Year's Eve. Come to think of it, they should do away with that one, too.

The only possible way anyone over the age of 39 should ever even consider throwing/attending one of these sad, humiliating events is if the location is Vegas and one of the guy's is BFFs with Ben Affleck. Then, maybe.

Otherwise, I recommend Congress pass a law making it illegal for men over 40 to engage in bachelor party hi-jinx. Why not? Our government does their best to protect us in every other area of our lives, e.g., driving too fast, jaywalking, seat belts, texting, etc., etc. Why not save us from both physical - as well as psychological - harm?

Seriously, what's the point of spending $300 for a $30 bottle of vodka and giving it all to sleazy women who are experts in the art of self-inflicted pickpocketing? If you want to be frustrated by a woman you can't have, why not just stay home and talk to your wife? It's free and the ensuing headache is all hers.