05/08/2014 11:31 am ET Updated Jul 08, 2014

Declaring Our Independence Was a Mistake

Hooray, we're free! Screw you, England!

Now what?

Take a look around these days. We're not doing so hot.

Our bankers and politicians pretty much get away with murder -- We get involved in every armed conflict yet ignore the problems at home -- Everyone's fat due to fast food chains on every corner -- There's a shooting at a school or a mall approx. every 10 minutes -- Organic foods cost five times as much as ones covered in toxins -- Advertisers, not people, run society -- Our children aspire to be like Miley and Justin -- We aspire to be rich above all else -- and our Supreme Court, the one place where any citizen can go for "fair and equal treatment" under the law, is a complete sham.

Given the evidence above, would it have been so bad to have just paid the tax on the damn tea and moved on? I mean, what could be so terrible?

Here are a few examples of what life might be like, if, in 2014, we were still a colony of The Crown --


Be honest. Is there anything sexier than a British accent? Besides, who would you rather walk around sounding like? Michael Caine or Snooki? I rest my case.


Americans can be so vulgar. Especially in traffic. Instead of the scholarly, "F**k You, A**hole!" heard at every intersection in Manhattan every 10 seconds, wouldn't a simple "Wanker!" get your point across without telling everyone you discontinued your education in the fifth grade?


Let's face it; these days, you're lucky to make it out of Walmart without having to dive behind a FedEx truck for cover. The fact that England's Bobbies don't carry guns should say something about how concerned they are about coming up against someone who does.

You can't tell me we couldn't find better leaders overseas? It's gotten to the point where, no matter how bad it is over there, it can't be worse than it is here at the moment. What's so bad about a benevolent monarchy, anyway? Things get done. As opposed to here, where the petty, squabbling parakeets, who let their egos, self-interests and corporate donors dictate where they stand on a myriad of issues, do us all a disservice on a daily basis. Besides, how many presidents could we have done without?

Television Shows

They make it there, we eat it up here. Americans can't get enough of British TV -- which is pretty ironic, considering just a few short years ago they were known as the nation with just two channels, one of which featured different types of cheeses 24/7. (Come to think of it, considering the endless array of top-notch dog doo our networks crank out on a daily basis, I'd rather watch cheese.)

Whether it's The Office, House of Cards, Shameless, American Idol, Dancing With the Stars, or even classics like All in the Family and Three's Company, it seems all we do is wait for our friends across the pond to come up with an idea, then pawn it off as our own. We even prefer their news programs here -- in the form of the BBC -- as we can't trust our own sources anymore.

Only in America are we dumb enough to keep churning out Spider-Man movies at the rate of one per week. The English are much more interested in thought-provoking, inspiring films, such as Lawrence of Arabia, The King's Speech and 12 Years a Slave. Would it kill us to get a little culture in our systems?

England's given us The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, Led Zeppelin, The Who, The Kinks, The Clash, The Sex Pistols, The Smiths, The Cure, Coldplay, Mumford and Sons, Amy Winehouse, etc., etc. Meanwhile, we counter with a steady helping of Britney Spears, Miley and Justin, the Jonas Brothers, Brooke Hogan, Paris Hilton, Creed and Nikki Minaj. I give up.

Social Media
Let's face it, when it comes to the "kings" of anti-social behavior, we wrote the book. Practically every social media site, app and violent video game has its origins in the U.S. While the Brits may live lives of quiet desperation, they do so together. As opposed to us, who can't even be bothered to look up while we're crossing Times Square at rush hour.

And, lastly...

Why is Game of Thrones so popular here? If you said, because it's a brilliantly-written show, complete with great actors and terrific plot twists, you'd be wrong. It's "Castles!" American viewers love all that crazy medieval shit. And for good reason. Wouldn't it be great to be on a family trip to D.C. and stop off at the King George ll Memorial Castle in, where else, Georgetown? Taking a tour through a four-story brick fortress, surrounded by knights and a moat filled with alligators, has to be a heck of a lot more fun for the kids than some musty, run-down, 200-year-old, one-bedroom flophouse where Jefferson took a shower.

As you can see, being British would, no doubt, afford us improvements in almost every area of our lives. So, what's the big deal if we have to pay a nickel more for a cup of tea, or if we have to change a few t-shirts and bumper stickers to read:

"Made in the U.K.A"?

At least we'd be able to avoid a lot of this unnecessary poppycock.