09/13/2013 04:15 pm ET Updated Nov 13, 2013

Who Wants to Be a Jew? Now Accepting Applications

Let's face it. With Yom Kippur, the holiest of the Jewish holidays approaching, there's little doubt the Jews are The Chosen Ones.

Sure, we have our issues. We're a whiney, over-bearing, guilt-ridden race. But nobody's perfect.

Compared to whatever religion you may be, if you're not Jewish, you're missing out. And I offer indisputable evidence to back this up:

Yom Kippur means "The Day of Atonement."

On this day, every Jew everywhere repents and apologizes to God for his/her sins committed during the previous year. And, in return, is forgiven.

That's right. No grudges. No "I remember what you did last summer." No matter how egregious the violation or offense, apologize sincerely today, and you're good to go for another year. No questions asked.

Sleep with your best friend's wife? No problem. We're good.

Steal from your employer? Let's wipe the slate clean and move on.

If you think about it, the God of Abraham is very much like a municipal court judge. He really doesn't have time to listen to your explanation. Especially since he probably has a tee time in an hour and is looking to wrap it up as soon as possible.

For instance, I took the Lord's name in vain at least 1,000 times this past year. Yet, tomorrow, it will be downgraded to "Unsafe operation of a motor vehicle."

No points. No fine. Just one day of fasting and I'm golden. And, let's be honest. How many of us actually don't eat for the whole 24 hours? Personally, after an hour or two, I find myself munching on Doritos. And, heaven forbid I pass a White Castle on the way home from temple.

For all those religions out there whose God promises eternal damnation for simply thinking about a carnal act with your baby-sitter, we can offer bagels, lox, control of the World Bank, oh- and, on the condition you're prepared to apologize for all the evil you've done by not eating for a day, a completely guilt-free existence.

Not bad, huh?