01/16/2009 12:16 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

Dick Cheney Shopping His Memoir: The Joys of Torture, Trampling the Constitution, and Bankrupting America the Dick Way

Top aides of Dick Cheney revealed that he is shopping his new memoir, even as they lashed out at critics who claim that he abused his power as vice president of the United States. Even though many in the publishing industry have expressed outrage that Cheney made torture standard practice at, and top officials in Europe are calling for him to be tried as a war criminal, his top aides believe he is close to landing a seven-figure publishing deal.
"Dick wants to use this memoir to set the record straight as only Dick can," a top aide revealed, "When he took over this country, he made a to-do list. Number two on that list was: bring back torture! He said to me a million times, 'That's the problem with this country, all those bleeding heart Hollywood homosexual Jewish liberal girlie men have made us a target.' Dick made me see, that's why September 11 happened. Because the evil ones thought they could get away with it. But now they know. You mess with us, we'll torture the hell out of you. Heck, they had to pull Dick back. He wanted bring back torture big-time. Put criminals in stocks in the town square, lash them with the cat o' nine tails, hang them by their thumbs, old-school style. But Dick wanted to mixed in all the new high-tech stuff, atomic powered water sledding, audiovisual sexual humiliation, and the 'Active Denial' ray gun, which produces mind-boggling pain, without leaving a single mark. I mean, come on, how cool is that? And with vice president's guidance, we have made amazing breakthroughs with the use of testicular electrification. Dick's very excited about that."
Many top publishing experts believe that because Cheney trampled on the Constitution, authorizing wiretapping and holding suspects indefinitely without ever charging them, his memoir will quickly end up on remainder tables. There is speculation that this, combined with the government sanctioned torture, ethnic profiling, and the blatant disregard for civilian life in the Middle East, has led to worldwide hatred of America, and are actually as recruiting devices by Al Qaeda. The end result seems to be a widespread lack of interest from the publishing business in Dick Cheney's memoir.
"This book is going to sell a billion copies. Dick Cheney will make it clear once and for all in his memoir why it was in America's best interests that he wiped his ass with the Constitution," said another of his top aides. "Like he says, 'The Constitution was written by a bunch of pig farmers in white wigs and pantaloons, wearing fake wooden teeth.' Which is totally true if you think about it. Look, his number one goal was to stop terrorism. And get really rich. And if Dick had to wiretap, if he had to round up all the ragheads, and throw them a dark pit somewhere till they squeal on their heathen, Bin Laden worshiping, Obama loving, brothers in arms, so be it. And as far as civilian casualties go, it's like Dick says, 'You can't make a trillion dollar omelette without breaking a few trillion eggs.'
In addition, publishing insiders have stated that the American public believes Cheney's war, precipitated by the fabrication of nonexistent weapons of mass destruction, was merely an excuse to secure cheap oil, and make the vice president's rich cronies at Halliburton even more rich through extravagantly wasteful no-bid contracts. A top editor at Harper Collins said, "Cheney made our lives miserable for eight years. Now it's our turn to kick Dick's butt. If I have my way, Dr. Strangelove won't get a plug nickel for his stinking memoir." But Cheney's top aides believe his memoir will be a historic document.
"This memoir will show conclusively that when Dick took the reins," said yet another top aide, again off the record, "the number one thing on his to-do list was: start a war! He just caught a bad break with the whole WMD deal. He tried so hard to plant some of those suckers over there too, as soon as he realized there weren't any. But it's harder than you'd think, trying to plant weapons of mass destruction in some godforsaken camel jockey country. And frankly, Dick didn' didn't think, after 9/11, that anyone would give a damn why we wanted to bring down Hussein. It really shocked the hell out him. But Dick knows how to roll with the punches. He was just telling me yesterday, 'They can all go to hell, because this is America, and the one who ends up with the most money wins. Guess who that's going to be? Me!'
Again and again, Vice President Cheney has been accused, along with Karl Rove, of manipulating President Bush. Many claim that the last eight years have been orchestrated from behind the scenes by Cheney, using a smokescreen of deeply flawed legal arguments to become the most powerful vice president in history. And leaving America in the most severe economic downward spiral in almost a century. Many in the publishing community believe that being the most hated vice president in the history of the United States will make his memoir worthless. His top aides disagree.
"In this memoir," another top aide confided, "you really see what a genius Dick is. Dick Cheney had a master plan when he took charge of America. In the year 2000, the economy had a $211 billion surplus. The national debt was down to $140 billion. He knew he had to turn that around. And by God he did. His goal when he assumed control was to have America $10 trillion in debt by the time he left office. And Dick is absolutely tickled pink that we made it to 10.6. This way, when everyone else has tanked, Dick and his buddies will be able to come in and buy the whole god damn country up for peanuts. Dick is brilliant. The Puppet Master. That's what we call him. Sometimes when W gets really tanked, he and Dick do this hysterical ventriloquist routine. W sits on Dick's lap, and he talks while W's lips move. It's a panic, seriously. Just about the only thing he didn't get done was, extend presidential term limits. That kind of sticks in his craw. But Dick figures Obama's going to screw the pooch so bad, in four years he'll have brother Jeb all primed and ready. In the meantime, in the words of Dick, 'Mission accomplished!"
In Hollywood, there has been speculation that Tom Cruise, who is apparently interested in playing the former vice president, is set to make an offer as soon as a publishing deal has been struck. And insider at Cruises production company said, "Tom has always had a fondness for Dick, everyone knows that."
When contacted, Vice President Cheney's office had no comment.