You're living in the 21st century -- drowning in information courtesy of the digital age.
Thanks to social media, search engines, dating apps, access for a small fee to arrest records and the magical world of online hook-ups you should never suffer with the date from hell.
Yet miraculously here you sit at 50 or 60 years of age across from a guy that somehow remembers Brylcream (a little dab'll do ya) and slathers it on the way he did back in 1973. Well at least he has hair on which to use it.
To top it off his politics leave you looking very unattractive with your mouth agape as he describes how much better life was when men were men and women didn't work, stayed at home, cooked, cleaned and were virtually the sole child care providers.
Or perhaps the lovely lady across from you is dressed in pink chiffon sporting a bouffant hairdo and ruminating about the good old days.
She goes on to lament that men just aren't gentlemen anymore. "I'm so glad the ERA didn't pass, don't you agree? And can you imagine that Hillary Clinton 'a woman' is considering running for President?"
I recall a movie titled Walk, Don't Run -- but that's not an option. This date is a set-up by your Mom -- all misty eyed -- who swore "what a wonderful person my friend's child is, you two have so much in common -- you'll have a great time -- call me when you get home. I won't sleep a wink until I hear from you!"
Good old Mom -- such great intentions. She set you up when you were young and she "set you up" now!
Of course I may be getting ahead of myself and you might find the above scenarios uber appealing. If not it's too bad you can't use your smartphone and find the nearest Uber Car to whisk you away.
Oh for the days of the muscle car!
The icing on the cake -- you didn't create an escape plan. Your daughter, son or best friend isn't calling you thirty minutes into the date with an emergency phone call requiring immediate action.
It's not your fault. You split up some time ago and haven't been in the dating scene for awhile. The last thing you remember was Meg Ryan's performance in When Harry Met Sally. It made dating seem challenging but worth the effort.
And now the toughest part -- you come from a generation where courtesy was a virtue and you really don't want to insult your date. But as Jack Nicholson said in As Good As It Gets "I'm dying here."
It doesn't matter how you got here, you just need to get out. Right now! Later you can examine all the remarkable resources available for ensuring your next date is tolerable at the very least.
So what does the polite you raised in another generation do? You've got lots of options and here are three as promised. They're all based upon laying it on your Mom. After all, she's the one who created this mess.
Dumping Your Date
- "Oh my gosh, I didn't give my Mom her evening medication and I uh um also forgot to change the batteries in her hearing aids. I've got to get to her house. Please excuse me."
- "Yikes, I didn't set my Mom's TV to record Dancing with the Stars. She gets so disappointed if we can't duplicate the dances. She especially loves to lead. And the outfits she makes are simply 'to die for.' My bad. I have to take off."
- "Holy smokes. I totally zoned out. Mom and I have tickets to a live preview match of WrestleMania 31. I've got to call and remind her. She's never gotten over Hulk Hogan. I'm really sorry. I've got to run."
Here's a BONUS fourth tip if all else fails. Simply say "Oh no, I forgot my Mom makes tuna casserole surprise tonight. She'll never forgive me if I don't eat it while it's still warm. I am so sorry -- but I have to leave -- now!
Of course you might turn the tables and send even the most dreadful date running by saying -- "I'm so glad our Mom's set us up. This is a great opportunity. I've been planning to move out of the basement for years. How many rooms did you say your apartment has?"
OK, I've had lots of fun with Moms in this article. But if you're lucky and yours is still around -- spend quality time with her. You won't regret it -- you won't forget it!
(11/10/2014 - An Addendum)
Fate is amazing! I wrote this article two weeks ago. Today I learned it's being published on 11/11 which is the 1 year anniversary of the loss of my beloved remarkable Mom. Not a day goes by I don't think of her and wish I had done more to enhance the quality of her life!!! Just something to ponder.
What you have read is the result of single Baby Boomer eating a Swansons Fried Chicken TV Dinner and two bags of Cheetos topped off with a Fluffernutter at 1:30 am, then waking up at 4 am with nothing to do but let my fertile mind wander as the following song played over and over and over in my head!
To assuage my guilt for writing a predominately frivolous article here's a contemporary clip about Moms that I think will give you a laugh.
Please share your most memorable Mom related dating stories in the comment section below. And if you come across entertaining and enlightening Youtube videos shoot me an e-mail -- you might find them in an upcoming article. Thanks, Dave.
WAIT -- Don't Give Up On Dating -- CLICK HERE NOW!
Dave Kanegis is a Certified Professional Coach with MA degrees in Education and Psychology. Contact him at: firstname.lastname@example.org