04/18/2015 12:34 am ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

Why This 50-Something Man Rarely Dates Women His Age

I'm not attracted to women my own age!

Sound familiar?

I've heard this uttered by guys in their 50s and 60s for years.

Men -- you're probably nodding your head in agreement. Not all -- but quite a few!

Women -- most likely you're shaking yours with aggravation, frustration and resignation. You've experienced this way too often.

I know the above statement doesn't represent the feelings or attitudes of all men or reflect the experiences of every woman.

In an attempt to sound agreeable and fair minded I could claim guys who don't or won't date women their own age are either:

  • ignorant
  • chauvinistic
  • narrow-minded
  • insecure
  • immature
  • need the validation of a younger woman
The list is virtually endless and certainly correct in many instances. But this is one occasion where I also believe candor is called for.

If we are going to scratch the surface of the cultural/dating minefield then we must be open and forthcoming.

Before we explore -- let's keep our sense of humor, perhaps one of life's most important qualities.

First, I state unequivocally from the get go that guys who won't date based on age are missing out on some potentially wonderful and rewarding relationships.

At the same time being single I can also relate to the frustration I have encountered on many occasions when socializing with women my age.

You can find enough articles on 'dating over 50' to keep you off the streets reading and not dating for the rest of your life. Google just returned 304,000 results in 0.31 seconds.

So why read another article on dating? They all provide contradictory opinions and advice -- way too much!

If the article is written for women over 50 it will contain a litany of topics and observations.

  • You're more sexy than ever
  • Sex over 50 is the best I've ever had
  • I'll never date a younger man again
  • Why I'm glad I turned 50
  • 10 dating taboos
  • 10 dating must dos
  • If he's never been married, keep away
  • Your body is beautiful
  • Older men appreciate an experienced woman
  • It's not personal
  • Why I'm giving up on dating
  • To quote Seinfeld's Elaine, "Yada, Yada, Yada!"

How often are you left feeling -- I read that article, sure a lot of it makes sense, but now what? It's just a bunch of words and I haven't gained any knowledge that's going to alter my life.

Sometimes I think dating simply isn't worth the stress and effort.

Keep reading -- you're getting into the meat of the article now!

I'm a single baby boomer who socializes in groups frequently and dates formally to a much lesser degree.

I decided to write this article to open a meaningful dialog -- not just create another dating fluff piece.

Everyone's experiences and frame of reference are different -- but allow me to share my own frustrations.

While I've matured mentally, spiritually and physically since turning 50 -- the latter should really be called aged, the inner me who is a 30-year-old is alive and kicking.

Many of my interests, desires and passions haven't changed. I really feel like the same guy from years ago! Just a few more aches and pains.

Actually, as far as physical chemistry is concerned, my tastes have broadened. At 30 I only found women in their 20s and early 30s attractive, I now find women in their 30s through 60s attractive.

It's not the chronological age -- it's all about outlook and frame of mind.

The word that most frequently pops into my head when thinking about women my age is jaded. Certainly understandable, but frustrating nonetheless.

When socializing age appropriately (whatever that means) many of the women I encounter seem to be dour and lacking in humor and that certain excitement about life that I find so enthralling, nourishing and satisfying. Understandable -- sure, appealing absolutely not.

No offense is intended by this statement -- it's simply a reflection of my personal experiences.-- and I know I am making huge generalizations! Please don't hang me in effigy.

On the rare occasion I meet a woman that is smart, animated, engaging and with whom I share some chemistry it's an unexpected thrill.

I'm sure many women readers who have been frustrated countless times can relate to the pleasant surprise of meeting a bright, kind and attractive mench.

It just doesn't happen all that often!

If I'm honest (and I suspect I'll take some heat from male readers) I really do understand where women are coming from.

Lots of guys are just plain yawn-inspiring. They'd rather sit at a bar with their buddies, drink beer and watch a ball game. There's nothing wrong with that -- it's a personal choice. Many of them are nice guys, good citizens and the backbone of America.

Open dialog and communication aren't part of their make-up. That's the way they were raised.

However, if I were a woman they certainly wouldn't interest me.

I'm no intellectual snob but I like to think my primary social circle is a fairly enlightened one -- we converse about politics, religion, global warming, poverty, the negative impact of the No Child Left Behind Act and a litany of interesting topics. We talk about women and watch sports too! Or is it the other way around?

Yet most of these guys don't have a great history with relationships either. So yes I get it, I know how women feel.

Continue reading -- you're getting to the real nitty-gritty!

Despite all I've stated above there are many interesting, talented and nice guys who are desperately seeking rewarding relationships. They are dissatisfied and want more from the opposite sex whether simply friendships or deeper commitments.

Let's not ignore the elephant in the room!

I'm ruling out physical attraction for purposes of this discussion. Hey, we're all getting older and don't look as good as we used to. Even when I was younger my name wasn't synonymous with Cary Grant, Richard Gere or Liam Neeson. And I've almost given up on bumping into Meg Ryan in Manhattan.

OK. Looks are out in the open, they are a factor, now let's get over it and move on to what's more important.

There are lots of great women and men looking to meet amiable, honest, interesting and sincere companions -- yet it doesn't happen often enough. Why not?

Somewhere there's a disconnect. What's really going on?

Time to stop complaining and look inward. Start by pondering personal desires, wishes and fulfillment.

As a life coach I always raise a few initial thought-provoking questions. Many of them are part of Mind Acrobatics™ exercises. These are critical to finding and attracting partners of any age.

  • What is my greatest quality?
  • How lucky would someone be to go out with me!
  • What's my greatest passion?
  • What were the best relationships of my life and what made them so great?
  • What if anything is working best right now in my socializing and dating?
  • What do I find most satisfying?
  • What makes me laugh?
  • What's the most important quality I want in a partner?
  • How much excitement do I bring to relationships?
As we look at ourselves and better begin to understand and clarify what it is we're really seeking, it becomes easier to create greater opportunities for engaging in fulfilling interactions.

Guys, we've got to keep more open minds. I've always maintained and still do that physical attraction is important. I believe there needs to be a chemical reaction.

As you get in touch with your inner self you'll be surprised at the way in which beauty often takes on a new dimension and how your potential dating field expands. You'll find all sorts of characteristics you find both physically and mentally appealing,

Ladies, the baby boomer generation is an amalgam of contradictions. Both women and men were brought up with certain expectations of the way it's supposed to be. There were no smart phones, or texting when you were born. Things were a lot different and they need to put in their proper perspective.

It's not your father's Oldsmobile anymore!

Many younger boomers experiences are very different than their older counterparts. But the basic concepts are still the same. The more you know -- the more you grow -- the more fun dating becomes!

Adaptation, and flexibility make you more open and approachable. So let's all get with the program.

It doesn't happen by snapping your fingers. It takes lots of introspection, self-questioning and being open to new ideas, perceptions and perspectives.

Whenever uncovering what lies beneath the surface of our conscious self we discover a wealth of information, insights and interesting directions in which to explore. Then it's a matter of setting relationship goals and actively pursuing them.

It's easier than you think when you know what you want and move forward in a positive frame of mind.

We project how we are feeling when we socialize -- before going out look in the mirror, smile for a minute and give yourself a big hug. It's well worth the time!

The takeaway from this article is three-fold.

  • If you're dissatisfied with dating do some 'inside work' and clarify what brings you the most enjoyment and passion.
  • Consider age as merely a construct. A creation of the mind. It's irrelevant. It's all about attitude, outlook and excitement.
  • Keep an open mind. It's the one surefire way to begin to experience a new level of interaction, enjoyment and pleasure from the opposite sex.

Finding a way to make your dating experiences more satisfying isn't always easy -- but it's worth the effort.

Finally, share your opinions about the content of this article. Relate your experiences, challenges, successes or whatever is on your mind.

Let's be open, honest and courteous in our comments. Clear communication is the cornerstone of all successful relationships.We can learn so much from each other.

And lets face it -- the art of dating needs all the help it can get!

Don't let this article be just another piece of reading that leaves you flapping in the wind. Use it as a catalyst!

Start the dialog and see where it takes us! I'm ready. Are you?

Before You Give Up On Dating Read This!

3 Steps To Stressless Dating

Dave's full list of articles on dating, reducing stress and life transformation


Dave Kanegis is a Certified Professional Coach and works via telephone, Skype, FaceTime and in-person. He holds Master's Degrees in Education and Psychology and is the creator of Mind Acrobatics™

Contact Dave at:

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