08/23/2010 01:54 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

Final, Pleading, Grasping, Last-Ditch Excuses for Keeping Proposition 8 in Place

Thoughtful, articulately argued judgments on the unConstitutionality of gay marriage be damned: The religious right still has a few trump cards and jokers left in their deck to demand gay marriage remain illegal. Among them:

* "Did you see that episode of True Blood where that vampire tore the spine out of that guy and said that vampires have no interest in being equals to us? The gays might have some sort of similar plan in place for the near future."

* "Even though my marriage has been a sham, I'd really hate for it to be exposed that it was a sham."

* "Jesus never married and had a family -- uh, wait, scratch that one, I think."

* "Lesbians doing it won't be hot anymore. Didn't you see The Kids Are All Right?"

* "There's still a smidgen of a scintilla of a chance that my son/daughter could still be cured of his/her homosexuality if we continue to attach a stigma to their sexuality."

* "Our closeted, hypocritically religious brethren may just decide to come out, and I'm sure you'll agree no one is looking forward to that."

* "Just imagine the fuss we'll make about gay divorce."

* "'Will & Grace's Jack would've made a terrible husband (to anyone) and an even worse father (to anyone, except maybe Justin Bieber)."

* "Medical science might eventually figure out how they could reproduce, and then there'd be even more of them!"

* "Heterosexuals won't see any point in getting married anymore. I know we've said this again and again, but just think about it. It might just be true, and if the whole idea of romantic commitment is determined to be gay, then thousands of wedding planners and dress designers and cake decorators and DJs and viral-video filmmakers would be put out of business, and our economy can't afford that right now!"

* "Muslims hate gays -- uh, wait, scratch that one, too, I think."

* "Even if gays are accepted in every level of society, sports figures and A-list movie stars still aren't likely to come out, so where's the fun in that?"

* "I swear, if yet another of my long-held, antiquated ideas are publicly and legally declared to be antiquated, I'm seriously going to lose my shit. And you wouldn't like me if I lost my shit."