What is your idea of perfect happiness? Having the person who I finally cajole into shooting Obama blow me afterwards.
What is the trait you most deplore in yourself? I'm insulted by the question's implication. Are you suggesting I have flaws and therefore do not deserve to voice my opinions? I will not be silenced! I surround you!
What is the trait you most deplore in others? That they're not me.
What do you consider the most overrated virtue? Sanity.
Which living person do you most admire? Frank Caliendo. His John Madden impersonation is spot-on! His Obama isn't very good, but I think he knows that, because he calls the character Charles Hussein Barkley or something.
Which living person do you most despise? I don't despise anyone -- ask anyone, I'm a very open-minded guy -- but I do hate anyone who wants to destroy America, such as, oh, say, the President of the United States or any advertiser who won't place their spot in my show.
Which words or phrases do you most overuse? I just love this country ... (sniffles) ... so much... Also, fascism. Socialism. Totalitarianism. Oligarh. Rugburns. Haldol and please.
What is your current state of mind? In love with my country, yet scared, terrified that my voice will be silenced, even though I appear on a network wholly committed to the message I have been charged to disseminate.
What or who is the greatest love of your life? The Smoot-Hawley Tariff.
What do you most value in your friends? That they don't smirk or giggle or circle their finger around their ears behind my back.
When and where were you happiest? When I told a reasonably attractive woman with a nice rack that Obama was going to strip her of all her freedoms and she didn't laugh in my face.
If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what would it be? A surge protector. You know, for electronic devices that prevent voices from entering your head? That would be awesome.
Where would you most like to live? In an America where no fascists or communists live. In other words, in an America where there's no black President. No, scratch that, because then I couldn't foment hysterical rage and then no one would know who I am.
What do you consider your greatest achievement? Being one of the first political pundits to divine all the lies and treachery of the Obama Administration, particularly given how Americans had forgotten the notion of dirty politics after the Bush Administration's keen adherence to honesty and integrity.
What is your most treasured possession? My collection of whimsical Hummel figurines depicting the Anschluss.
What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery? Having your wife put up with your alcoholism, but drawing the line when you decide to become a Mormon.
On what occasion do you lie? Whenever there's a microphone in front of me.
Who is your hero of fiction? Howard Beale. Except for the whole getting-gunned-down part.
Which historical figure do you most identify with? Frank Caliendo, because he's so gosh-darn funny and his humor is so easy to "understand," if that's a word.
Who are your heroes in real life? Anyone who makes me look vaguely reasonable, such as Lyndon Larouche or Ron Paul or Paul Lynde.
What is it that you most dislike? Those crabs on beaches that don't care that you're there and you're bigger than they are and who are they, anyway, Barack Obama?
What is your greatest regret? That I didn't cash in on the lack of oxygen flow to my brain sooner.
How would you like to die? As a martyr, which would propel my final book, "How to Scare Friends and Influence Mouth-Breathers," to the top of the liberal-media's best-seller lists.
What is your motto? "Some of my best friends have friends who know black people."