THE BLOG
07/12/2009 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

How Fox News Would Have Covered World History

Sadly, Fox News Channel has been on the air since launching on Oct. 7, 1996, with the declared intention of destroying Bill Clinton and dragging his corpse through the streets of Washington. I say "sadly," not because it's a pity the cable-news network exists (get your mind out of the gutter, you dirty hippies!), but because I believe that deprives so many historical events that truly could have benefited from the kind of incisive perspective that Fox is celebrated for providing. For example:

The Crucifixion of Jesus

Gretchen Carlson: Sad news today from the Holy Land, where Jesus, the Son of God and Mankind's savior, died from wounds suffered during his crucifixion at the hands of the Jews.

Steve Doocy: Sad news indeed, Gretchen, but I think the big question here: Did Jesus suffer enough to absolve liberals of their sins?

Brian Kilmeade: Steve, I wonder if liberals will even be willing to accept the gift of eternal life that God has offered through the death of His Only Son. After all, it's right there in their name - godless liberals.

The Spanish Inquisition

Neil Cavuto: The Spanish Inquisition is back in the news today, with reports that 36 non-believers were burned to death in an Auto de fé in Seville. To offer perspective on this latest incident is Ann Coulter - welcome, Ann. Now, some have been critical of the methods of this group that seeks out and punishes non-Catholics and false converts, a group established by Pope Sixtus IV himself. What's your take?

Ann Coulter: I'm all for it, Neil, and I'm surprised anyone would question the Pope's intentions. They should invade the heretics' countries, kill their leaders, sodomize their women, remove their fingernails, bludgeon their housepets, fire-brand their genitals and convert them to Christianity.

The Revolutionary War

Glenn Beck: Over in the New World, there's a terrifying conspiracy afoot in which former British colonists are attempting to wrest themselves free of British rule. A few anarchists have the audacity to reject the right of Parliament to govern them - that's right, anarchists, because if Parliament doesn't control you, that's what you have, anarchy! Not this so-called "independence!" Now, I know us and I don't know them and what you don't know can hurt you. This is a battle for the very heart of the Empire - (sniffles) - I'm sorry, but I just love the Throne so much. And I fear for it. That's why I've started my 7/3 Project, because I want you to remember what you felt like on July 3, before the colonies declared their "independence" from the United Kingdom. Remember that spring in your step? That big, silly grin on your face because the buzzing in your head wasn't quite as loud or as persistent as it usually is? Remember how gargoyles weren't swooping from the Clock Tower and snatching up your kittens and dragging them into the Thames? Remember? There's too much at stake here! It seems like this clarion call for freedom, these "special interests," these gargoyles, they're surrounding us. It's intimidating. But you know what? Pull away the curtain! There isn't anybody there! There isn't even a curtain! It's just a few militiamen and their voices are actually really weak, particularly from so far away. The truth is, they don't surround us - we surround them. If we knew where they were, that is - apparently a lot of them live in the countryside, so they're hard to keep track of. But we surround them metaphorically, which is almost as good.

Lincoln Frees the Slaves

Sean Hannity: Today, President Abraham Hussein Lincoln issued the second executive order of his so-called Emancipation Proclamation, specifying 10 Confederate states in which freedom would be bestowed upon the slaves of hard-working, tax-paying landowners. With me to discuss the treasonous implications of this cowardly act are Bill Kristol and Charles Krauthammer. Gentlemen, has the President crossed the line with this latest antic?

Bill Kristol: It's disgraceful, Sean. Lincoln has betrayed his country, he's betrayed the people who elected him and, most importantly, he's betrayed his party. He's taking America ever closer to outright Socialism.

Charles Krauthammer: I think you're being too soft on him, Bill. I believe that what Abraham Lincoln has done is no less than move America in a direction toward a form of Totalitarianism that in the future will be known as Stalinism.

The Kennedy Assassination

Bill O'Reilly: Nominally tragic news today out of Dallas, where President John F. Kennedy was assassinated. With me to discuss this inconvenience to America's television schedules is Dick Morris. Dick, Kennedy was a Catholic who had the temerity to lead a Christian nation, he led a glamorous life and his many failed policies alienated many right-thinking Americans. My question to you is: Was Kennedy asking for it?

Dick Morris: No question, Bill. Any man who posits himself as a popular crusader doing good for the nation while participating in sleazy sex acts is beneath contempt.

Bill O'Reilly: Well, enough about that. Let's talk about me. Some radical elements on the far-left are boo-hoo-hooing that simply because I said "Kennedy should be shot" on this show a few times, that somehow I have blood on my hands. When, in fact, all I was doing was reporting that some were saying that Kennedy should be shot. I was reporting facts, as I always do. By exploiting Kennedy's death, the far-left is seeking to silence Americans who are appalled by liberal politics. They're demonizing people like me who believe that America is best served by an oligarchy of white, Anglo-Saxon Protestant men. It's the same tactic in play on civil rights: Oppose them, and you're a racist. The debate in America is no longer about rational points of view. It is now about the strategy of destruction, and I couldn't be happier about it. So, Dick, what other Kennedys do you think should be shot?