12/18/2012 03:49 pm ET Updated Feb 10, 2013

Letters to Santa

Dear Santa Claus,

This Christmas I'm asking that you surround me with even more sycophants than usual, and that you bring me additional medals and ribbons (preferably color-coordinated) for my uniform. Please note that I've written this in longhand. For personal reasons, I no longer use email.

General David Petraeus

Dear Santa,

All we ask for Christmas is that you bring us President Obama's brain in a glass jar. We already have his heart and balls.

Yours truly,
The Republican Party

To Whom It May Concern,
cc: North Pole trade representatives
cc: Santa, elves, helpers

My team has advised me to contact your team. Not that we're ungrateful, but we need more of everything. Congress and the Supreme Court have done their part, but we need more... more of everything. Pluto may no longer be a planet, but plutocracy is still the name of the game--if you get my drift. Let's arrange a meet.

Thomas J. Donohue, Sr.
President and CEO, U.S. Chamber of Commerce

Dear Santa,

Like all good Americans who want to see their country remain strong and liberty ring out its proud name to help keep us free and refudiate the lies of our enemies and the lame-stream media, please bring my family prosperity this Christmas even though you're a German who encourages people to rely on free gifts which makes you a socialist.

In Freedomship,
Sarah Palin

Yo, Santa,

I need a solid, and I don't want to hear any happy horseshit about who's been "naughty or nice." My kids want presents. And even though I could afford to buy them any #@$&% thing they need, for some #@$&% reason they want Santa Claus to do it. How do we make this happen? Get back to me ASAP.

Rahm Emmanuel
Mayor of Chicago

Dear Santa,

I'm not a whiner by nature, but it's been a tough year, so I'm going to swallow my pride and ask for three favors. One, could you bring me a new computer, one that isn't so darn complicated? Two, could you arrange it where I no longer have to speak in public? And three, could you... um... I mean, would you... um...? Okay, make that two favors.

Rick Perry
Governor of Texas

Dear Brother Claus,

This year I'm asking you to bring U.S. workers the gift of job security, livable wages, and decent benefits. Given that most of your toys are made in China and Eastern Europe, I was reluctant to write, but you're our last hope. The Democrats have warned us to keep away from them because they don't want to "spook the market." Please do what you can. Merry Christmas.

In Solidarity,
Richard Trumka
President, AFL-CIO

Dear Santa Claus,

A careful reading of the U.S. Constitution reveals that nowhere in that document are you mentioned. As a consequence, your existence has been deemed unconstitutional, and your gift-giving illegal. Please cease and desist.

Antonin Scalia, Justice, U.S. Supreme Court

My Dearest Santa,

I'm told that "clean urine" is available on the black market. Would you be a doll and leave some in my stocking?

Lindsay Lohan

David Macaray, a Los Angeles playwright and author ("It's Never Been Easy: Essays on Modern Labor," 2nd Edition), was a former union rep.