03/21/2009 04:31 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

Brangelina™: Love For Sale

Much has been made of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt donating proceeds from the sale of photos of their newborn babies to charity. But few commentators are willing to explore the dark side of Brangelina's so-called generosity.

If, as has been reported, photos of the twins brought up to 15 million dollars, a rough workup by my staff statistician estimates the value for each baby photo at 7.5 million dollars. If a mere photo is worth that, how much would an actual Brangie-Baby™ retail for? My statistician says an estimate of 100 million dollars is quite reasonable. That means 200 mill for the pair (or we could assume a 2-for-1 sale price of, say, 175).

The logical conclusion? Rather than gifting the world's poor with 15 million dollars, Angie and Brad are actually cheating it of up to 185 million dollars. And if you count their other 4 offspring, the BCS (Brangelina Charity Shortfall) is a mind-boggling 610 million dollars! Just think how many Us Weeklys an Angolan orphan could buy with that.

Indeed, Aggregate Brangelina Capitalization (ABC) could prove a major economic engine in these troubled times. While small children are probably the top cash-generators, surely other Jolie-Pitt-related artifacts would bring significant revenue. Who's to say the value of a lightly-used Brangelina™ refrigerator? Or lightly-used duck-press? Looking for funds to house those Katrina refugees? Two words: laundry hamper!

But all this is really letting Brad and Angie off the hook; let's face it, the buck starts at the diaper. Given the cash their offspring could generate, why do they have only 6 of these IAG's (Infant Asset Generators)? If they would only get busy, having sex and adopting at even slightly above their current rate, they could produce enough income to retire the national debt in 12 years.

In these days of economic uncertainty, when the people of America and the world look, as always, to celebrities to save us, the self-centered reproductive laxity of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie is surely the shame of Hollywood. If Brad and Angie won't get off their duffs to save the economy, I propose the formation of a national volunteer JIC (Jolie Impregnation Corps); men -- and, with the aid of our nation's turkey baster industry, women -- who will devote themselves to producing sweet little bundles of debt-retirement for all the world to pay for.