09/12/2010 03:42 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

Make Mosques Not War: My Foolproof Plan to Terror-Proof America

Okay, let's follow the reasoning...

No Ground Zero Community Center -- sorry, Mosque -- because Muslims would consider it a Victory Community Center -- sorry, Mosque.

But say you're a terrorist who wants to terrorize America and show that Islam is holy -- do you blow up a mosque? Especially one branded Victory™? I think not. In fact, I think terrorists would see that mosque as a symbol of the greatness of their religion, which means they'd be outraged if anything happened to it.

Bear with me now, something insanely cool is coming.

If those terrorist Muslims (sorry, I'm being redundant) want to blow us up but would never blow up a mosque, haven't we just found the perfect weapon to use against them? Isn't the answer obvious?

Move the Ground Zero Mosque to Ground Zero.

And because bigger is safer, make it the centerpiece: a magnificent 1,776-foot terrorist-thwarting Mosque of Invulnerability.

A true Ground Zero Mosque would be the best possible insurance against another attack, Reagan's "Star Wars" anti-missile system finally realized: nothing Islamic could get through. (And as we all know, Muslims are our most terrifying enemies other than Mexicans.) In your face, al Qaeda! U Can't Touch This!

It's the ultimate judo move on our foes: using their strength -- religious belief -- against them. Clearly, we must begin a crash (sorry) building program in our most precious landmarks: a White House Mosque, a Lincoln Monument Mosque, a Pentagon Mosque (oh wait, there already is one -- okay, two Pentagon Mosques), a Mt. Rushmosque.

But why stop there? Every target in America must be protected: Baseball Stadium Mosques, Movie Theater Mosques, Church Mosques.

But why stop there? Mosques for everyone! (Oprah: "You get a mosque, and you get a mosque!...") It'll be the Fifties Fallout Shelter craze on steroids. Generous tax incentives will encourage Americans to make mosques everywhere, in their offices and factories and houses. For extra protection, larger buildings and homes can be multi-mosqued; if you love your kids (and who doesn't, except for those bloodthirsty Muslims), won't you want a mini-mosque in the bedroom for your adorable Mosqueteers?

Before long, America will be replete and, one may hope, resplendent with mosques. And, inevitably, there will be chains -- MosqueDonald's! -- to provide standardized levels of protection for Americans everywhere.

There is one problem (the only one I can think of): while Americans will unquestionably love the security of their Personal Mosques™, the proposition becomes trickier if the mosques are filled with undesirable people. Like... well I might as well just come out and say it: Muslims. These mosques are for protection only -- it would defeat the purpose if they made Americans nervous. So all mosques will have to be clearly marked "No Muslims Allowed". (And "No muslin" too, just to be safe.)

So how about it -- who's gonna get started on construction of the first chain of Muslim/muslin-Free Multi-Mini-Mosques? It's the ultimate in patriotism because terrorism begins with hate and if there's one thing our national response to 9/11 has taught us, it's that -- as al Qaeda knows -- the way we Americans fight hate is to bring it home.