09/16/2013 10:09 am ET Updated Nov 16, 2013

No Time Like the President

"In Congress, where it can be difficult for Democrats and Republicans to agree on the time of day..." - New York Times


President Pro Tem: The Chair recognizes the Senator from Illinois.

Mr. Dirkin: I rise to note that at this very moment, 10:48 AM on September 20, 2013, our United States Armed Forces are ---

Mr. Cornyn: You lie!

Mr. Dirkin: Excuse me, Mr. Cornyn, I am speaking.

Mr. Cornyn: I cannot allow falsehoods to stain the reputation of this United States Senate.

Mr. Dirkin: I haven't said anything yet!

Mr. Cornyn: Mr. President, does not the record show that Mr. Dirkin claimed it was 10:48 when the time is actually 10:49?

Mr. Dirkin: Mr. Cornyn, the clock-hand must have moved while I was speaking.

Mr. Cornyn: Did it, Mr. Dirkin? Or is the Senator from Illinois and, in fact, his whole Democrat party, hopelessly behind the times?

Mr. Brown: I rise in defense of my distinguished colleague, who was acknowledging an undisputed scientific fact.

Mr. Cornyn: I dispute it! You can clearly see that the time is not 10:48!

Mr. Brown: But it was!

Mr. Levin: Excuse me, Senator Cornyn -- is your claim that the time is 10:49?

Mr. Cornyn: Yes sir.

Mr. Levin: And yet you can plainly see that the time is 10:50!


Mr. Inhofe: What is this Democrat chicanery?!

Mr. Franken: As always, Republican policies are rooted in the distant past.

Ms. Boxer: I am sorry to disagree with my distinguished colleagues but may I point out that for me and my consitutents, it is not yet 8 o'clock in the morning.

Mr. Coburn: Outrageous! Mr. President, I demand that Senator Boxer's remark be stricken from the record!

Mr. Sessions: No! Let it stand! Let everyone see what Obama has done to our nation's cherished time zones!

Mr. Harkin: This has nothing to do with Obama!

Mr. Paul: It's the tyranny of Daylight Savings Time!

All: Wha?

Mr. Paul: It's about time -- see what I did there? -- we call this conspiracy by its name... ObamaTime! A pernicious plot to confuse ordinary Americans; while they reset their watches he'll quickly institute his agenda -- Socialism, and people being able to get health care.

Mr. Shelby: And vote!

Mr. Roberts: Is there no end to The Kenyan's villainy?!

Ms. Collins: Senators, please, can we not remain calm? Surely our nation's clocks need not be innocent victims of partisan rancor. I propose a subcommittee to determine not only what time of day it is now but what time of day it was when Sen. Dirkin said what time of day it was.

Mr. Rubio: I demand a drink of water!

Mr. Graham: This debate is a farce -- my watch clearly shows that the time is 4:15.

(A pause.)

President Pro Tem: 4:15?

Mr. Graham: Yes, and -- Just a sec... Oh... Sorry, it stopped.

Mr. Inhofe: It's the NSA! And Benghazi! And climate change, which doesn't exist! Also, Hillary killed a guy!

Mr. Rubio: Still thirsty!

Mr. Reid: I call on my colleagues to understand that it is incumbent upon us -- indeed, it is our moral obligation -- to find common ground and, if necessary, compromise so that our nation may move forward till noon.

All: Lunchtime!

Mr. Rubio: Water!

Mr. Reid: Therefore, I hereby introduce Senate Resolution 114-30c: Be it resolved that it is the sense of this United States Senate that it was, at some point during these proceedings, 10:48, 10:49, and 10:50 AM.

Mr. Graham: And 4:15!

Mr. Reid: And 4:15. And that later today, it will be both 1:36 and 3:11.

Mr. Schumer: I call for a vote!

(15 minutes later)

Pres. Pro Tem: The bill passes, 51-49. Unfortunately, the House is busy repealing ObamaCare but they promise to repeal ObamaTime at the earliest possible time. Senate adjourned till exactly... um... later.