06/29/2012 11:04 am ET Updated Aug 29, 2012

The Freedom to Leave

Nearly two in three Americans think President Barack Obama is better suited than Republican rival Mitt Romney to deal with an alien invasion, according to a survey released Wednesday.

Okay, the Supreme Court's health care decision was bad for all Right-thinking patriots. But this! Just as in the 2008 election, the American people have made a horrible error, in believing that the Kenyan could possibly protect our nation as well as Pres. Romney.

We know what Mister Peace-Prize would do: unmanned drones aimed directly at the space aliens and anyone standing nearby (official new term: "semi-combatants"). But we also know the result of that -- infuriated space monsters, pouring in from planets all over the solar system, determined to avenge the deaths of their giant-headed breathren.

Is this really what we want? An expensive war with the galaxy, draining our ability to lower taxes on the super-rich?

No. What we want, what we need, is Mitt Romney's already all-but-stated plan: self-transportation.

The way to get rid of space aliens is the way Mr. Romney wants to get rid of illegals: make their life on earth miserable. While we can't accept them as citizens, we can easily grant them green cards ("Green Cards For Green Men" -- the campaign writes itself), then step aside to let Obama's socialist hellscape do the rest. "Meep bleep streep!" yowl the aliens, which in their alien tongue means "A tax rate of 28 percent on incomes over $200,000?! Outrageous!" "Breep shneep kleep!": "Forced payment for health care, as if helping people avoid catastrophic financial loss from illness is as important as a driver's license?! Horrific!" Those aliens'll be setting their saucers to hyper-drive faster than you can say "pre-existing condition."

Self-transportation is not only cheaper and more humane; it honors our heritage. Hell, it's written right there on the statue: "Keep out, you tired and poor, you huddled space aliens yearning for affordable health care." Or something like that.

To say that Barack HUSSEIN Obama would protect Americans from space aliens better than Mittelton Romniferous is a libel and a slander and a libelous slander. If America means anything, it means freedom. And just like it says in the Constitution, the most precious freedom of all is being free of people we don't like.

(Tip o' the hat to Jeff Reno)