01/21/2014 06:22 pm ET Updated Mar 23, 2014

President Announces New Spy Restrictions

    President Obama today announced a series of additional measures to restrict the scope of national surveillance activities...

  • No longer guess citizens' political beliefs based on number of vowels in name.

  • Scale back program installing microchips in all domestically-sold falafel.

  • Concurrently, consumption of falafel no longer sufficient for inclusion on No-Fly List.

  • End Mosqueteer™ juvenile recruitment program.

  • No longer assume female suspect with towel around head after shower is wearing a "Terror Turban".

  • End ban on sale of red and blue wires at Home Depot.

  • Discontinue use of X-Ray Specs to see through headscarves.

  • Audio-recognition software Ululation-Alert™ mode adjusted. (Too often triggered by Beyoncé songs.)

  • Improve international relations with more frequent "Terrorists vs. Spies" softball games.

  • Release all embargoed Cat Stevens CD's.

  • Fabric shops no longer under suspicion if they sell muslin.

  • Recalibrate facial-recognition software so that Terror Watch no longer triggered by beards.

  • Reduce by one-third Follicle-Safe™ program, mandating hair stylists' installation of tracking devices in all Americans' scalps.

  • Make optional previous requirement of blood tests for all viewers of Al Jazeera America.

  • Wind down investigation of secret cabal promoting career of Kim Kardashian.

  • Close files on most Senators who opposed Patriot Act.

  • Restrict use of smartphone Secret Selfie™ function.

  • Remove fingerprint sensors from hotel Korans.

  • Identify female agents for Edward Snowden "make-up" sex.

  • Remove "Worships Allah" from criteria of suspicious activities. (Frees 1.6 billion places on Watch List.)

  • Improve image of surveillance agencies with "Thank You For Not Terrorizing" campaign.