12/31/2008 08:52 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

Torture Plagiarism

News that the CIA based its "enhanced" interrogation techniques on torture inflicted on our servicemen by the Chinese during the Korean War brings dishonor and shame to our nation. It's one thing to use Chinese toys to get our children's lead-paint intake up to FDA standards but should we really steal our precious national torture resources from China? Is that where waterboarding comes from? No wonder it's horrible, it's probably full of MSG.

Why do we doubt our ability to torture in a uniquely American way? Hell, New Hampshire already threatens its own citizens to live free or die. Since everyone there appears to be living freely, we can assume the rest have been tortured and dumped in the Merrimack.

But our government clearly believes we're facing a Torture Gap, our methods now presumably more than 40 years behind the Chinese. And who knows what modern techniques are being used by cutting-edge (you should excuse the expression) torturers such as our allies Saudi Arabia, Jordan, Syria and Iraq? We send our Gitmo guys there, shouldn't they at least send us photos?

What this requires is nothing less than a national mobilization along the lines of the Manhattan Project, or the switch from LP to CD, backed by a generational commitment to our children that they'll spend the critical hours of their schooldays learning how to torture other children. They already do that? Okay, fine, now they need to be tested on it.

I am sick and tired of other nations doing the things we Americans do first before we do them first. To make sure that never happens again, we must immediately begin to explore new frontiers of torture -- heretofore undiscovered orifices, imaginative combinations of wire, prongs and electricity -- so that future generations can "own" their torture techniques.

I dream of the day when Americans look at the torture being inflicted in their name and see a big sign proudly stamped "MADE IN AMERICA".