05/07/2012 06:17 pm ET Updated Jul 07, 2012

The Huffington Post's Astrological Chart

On May 9, 2005 at approximately 3 a.m., The Huffington Post was born.

I wasn't there, but presumably it was a peaceful birth. Hopefully, it was pain-free as well.

Now, seven years later, this child born of love by Arianna Huffington is definitely a high-achiever.

After all, not many seven-year-olds have won Pulitzer Prizes. Heck, not many seven-year-olds can spell "Pulitzer." I myself have trouble pronouncing "Pulitzer" correctly. My inner child wants to say "Poo-litzer," not "Pull-itzer."

Luckily, I write for the weird news section so the chances of me actually having to spell "Pulitzer" (or accept one) are slim.

Since I do write for the Weird News section, perhaps it's no surprise that I worked briefly as a phone psychic during the first Bush recession. As a recent college graduate, I had visions of becoming a country songwriter and wanted to get material for country songs without my own dog dying on me.

I learned just enough about astrology to be dangerous and I sometimes use my knowledge of this arcane (and some would say nonsensical) interpretive art when the fancy strikes me.

Such as now.

When I found out The Huffington Post's birthday was May 9, I decided to see what clues about this website could be ascertained via this arcane (and some would say nonsensical) interpretive art.

What I discovered startled me. I take astrology with a grain of salt, a dash of pepper and a whole lot of Sriracha, but through the use of vague generalities, I came to some startlingly accurate conclusions.

For instance, based on the fact that The HuffPost's sun and moon are both in Taurus, the website obviously has an intuitive understanding of the world around it.

Also, because its sun and moon are in the same sign (Taurus), it is able to make thoughts and action meet.

A quick look at the other planets in The HuffPost chart:

Mercury in Aries makes it very quick-witted but with a tendency to want to move on to the next thing (sounds like the Internet in general).

Venus in Taurus attracts a lot of love energy and people find it beautiful and attractive. (Well, we do attract a lot of Internet traffic...)

Mars in Pisces is very interesting. Mars represents fire energy while Pisces is water. The power of water is not always visible, but water eventually overpowers anything in its path. A person with Mars in Pisces eventually overcomes all obstacles and flows over it with patience and love (not letting other people or entitities keep it from its eventual goal).

Jupiter in Libra means good luck when the person or entity is fair and treats others equally. The person or entity with this sign finds it easy to promote itself in a positive way and is good at mediating conflicts with others.

Saturn in Cancer means a person or entity often feels that no matter how much they accumulate, it's never enough. Well, we do want to increase our Web traffic each month.

There are other planets I could consider, but they are more likely to affect a whole generation and not just one website, even one that has won a Pulitzer.

Happy birthday Huffington Post and thank you for the opportunity to get paid to write about two-headed animals.