THE BLOG
07/31/2006 11:23 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

An Open Letter To Michael Medved

TO MY FRIENDS IN CYBERSPACE:

If any of you know how to contact movie critic Michael Medved, please make sure he receives this letter. It is very important that I contact him! (This letter is marked PERSONAL AND CONFIDENTIAL: FROM ONE HOLLYWOOD POWER PLAYER TO ANOTHER.)

LETTER BEGINS BELOW:

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DATELINE: HOLLYWOOD WALK OF FAME, USA CALIFORNIA!!!

TO: Michael Medved

FROM: David Rees

Don't worry Mr. Michael Medved, I still love you!!!

I know this must be a very difficult time for you...

...for you must be hurting...

...for you are truly dealing with "A Problem From Mel." (Ha, ha, Samantha Power, I made a pun about your book. I have a crush on you! But you are not my concern right now.)

Michael Medved, I am here for you.

Your little moustache must be heavy with tears.

Mel Gibson has abandoned you.

Because you are a "f*cking Jew."

But I will never abandon you.

(I've been on your side since GOLDEN TURKEY AWARDS! My friends and I loved those books in Junior High!)

Michael Medved, I remember when you told everyone to see Passion of the Christ. That was a brave stand for a Jew to take. (You are Jewish, right? I'm not sure because I only ever see you on weird Christian talk shows.) Anyway, you complained that Jewish condemnation of the film's so-called "anti-Semitism" would alienate right-wing Christians--and that, in turn, risked damaging Christians' support for the Israeli settler movement: A movement which is so important to us all! For you, because you are a wee bit insane. And for me, because the sooner those settlers kick out the Palestinians, or whatever it is they're supposed to do, the sooner my main man Jesus Christ can get his butt down here and clean house once and for all! (Dude, I'm a lapsed Episcopalian and even I'm excited. Most Episcopalians don't even think Jesus is coming back; they assume he'll send word via a mildly haunted fax machine or something.)

But this letter isn't about the return of Jesus Christ. (If it was, it would be printed in gold leaf on a hundred Hezbullah missiles and a hundred Israeli missiles in my mind, each one screaming across the sky like voices joined in song, until the entire Middle East is consumed in a crescendo of flames as the choir sings GLORIA IN EXCELSIS! LET'S GET THIS RAPTURE STARTED!)

Ooh, it makes me so happy just to think about that. I hope I am not "Left Behind."

Anyway, here is the point in my "comedy letter" where I write something like, "Hey Michael Medved, you were so worried about marriages between gay homosexuals, maybe you should have worried more about marriages of convenience between delusional Jews and anti-Semitic Christians."

And then I write something like, "Brokeback Mountain? More like PAYBACK MOUNTAIN! (WITH AN ANTI-SEMITE TWIST!)"

And then, just when everyone is LOLing and thinking I can't get any more funnier, I top it off with: "Hey, Michael Medved, I guess Mel Gibson is now your SUPER EX-GIRLFRIEND! And this is truly THE LADY IN THE WATER for you two!" And then everyone's like, "Huh? What does M. Night Shyamalan's latest turdsterpiece have to do with Michael Medved and Mel Gibson?" And I'm like, "I dunno man, all I know is it's about a hundred and fifty degrees up in here and I'm hallucinating so much that for a minute I actually thought global warming was real!"

And then someone taps me on the shoulder and it's MICHAEL MEDVED HIMSELF and I'm all like, "Whoa, what are you doing here?" And he's like "Stop belittling me, I truly believe everything I say and Hollywood values are destroying America so let's go see the Passion of the Christ and support Israel no matter what." And I say "ROTFLMAO" and then I actually get down on the floor and roll and laugh my ass off.

And then everyone's like, "OK, I guess we all learned our lesson: Mel Gibson is an anti-Semitic prick, and Jews who support Christians who hate Jews are self-hating Jews. Now let's go heal the world."

Bravo, bravo!

So now I need to go comfort Ramesh Ponnuru. He wrote a cover article for National Review praising the Passion of the Christ back when I still subscribed to that wonderful magazine. Does anybody know where Ramesh Ponnuru's at? Last I heard he was doing voiceover work for Dakota Fanning...

(RIMSHOT!)

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how to type something silly on a computer!!!