08/27/2013 01:31 pm ET Updated Oct 17, 2013

Free Comedy From a Former Mad About You/Fresh Prince Writer

Someone once asked me what professional comedy is and my answer was: it's what we get paid for when we're not giving it away for free -- which we do ALL the time and frankly the truth of that: not good for business. I make Willy Loman look like a genius.

But we are a rather compulsive lot we merry band of merry brothers and we simply cannot stop. It's like we're on Walter White comedy meth and the second that we come down, it's: please sir, can I have some more? We are literally addicted to lines.

So having written and submitted a couple of pilots this month, while my little funny movie begins to circulate in LA and at film festivals, what to do with myself today? Well you're in luck, cause I'm giving away, at NO cost to you: my latest observations and lines lifted directly from my blog: Today's Useless Thoughts.

First: if you want to see our very first comedy short made for our New York based company, "The Wit Protection Program," head on over -- again at NO cost to you--

Password: knockknock

My personal guarantee: if you don't laugh I will marry your ugly sister. (This offer is not valid in any of the 50 states or anywhere else in the known universe).

(The following to be spoken by that guy on HBO) And now... free observations and comedy!

1. Today's names for barber shops: Hairy Shearer, Scissors Palace. And shouldn't Brooklyn have Barbra Shops?

2. My only regret is that God didn't put women's breasts on their backs to enhance the hug

3. Today's useless thought: I had a three-way with an usher at NBC. I just wanted to make sure I was on the same page.

4. It seems that we are born knowing everything and then spend the rest of our lives forgetting what we once knew.

5. Video monitors on a baseball field? Replay Ball!

6. Today's useless thought: My friend is married to a marionette who wants out but his hands are tied.

7. I'm a writer: one imagination under god, indivisible with liberty and justice for all.

8. If The Beatles were around today there would be a Downton Abbey Road

9. Breaking Bad: Here's another fine meth you've made.

10. Idea for new show: A drama about New Jersey gangsters who play basketball to star Carmella/Anthony.

11. Dear Edie Gorme: When Steve said "Go away little girl," you should not have listened.

12. Today's useless thought: The truth of marriage: I now pronounce you man and Wi-Fi.

13. Today's useless thought: Dexter should be on the Home Chopping Network

14. Today's useless thought: whenever I am late with a bill I get a note that says "outstanding" and I mistakenly take that as a compliment.

15. I just started dating a woman named Rosetta Stone and the problem is I can't understand a thing that she says.

16. Back up: I just passed a rosetta stone and screamed in 10 different languages.