04/02/2014 08:35 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

14 Things I Learned From Watching Noah


1: Post-Noah civilization started in Great Britain, as all the actors have English accents. This would explain why the Brits think they're superior to the rest of the human race.

2: Dysfunctional families existed way before Roseanne created a sitcom about them in the '80s.

3: Judging by the "chosen" ones, God prefers attractive people to ugly ones. The religious right has no reason to complain about Hollywood when, clearly, movie-star types are created in the image the Lord prefers.

4: Jennifer Connelly has a bad British accent, which explains the rise of Madonna.

5: God did not consider dinosaurs to be part of the animal kingdom but, apparently, has no problem with bed bugs. Who does he think he is?

6: Global Warming does exist, but it's caused by God's wrath, so those of you who get crushed in tsunamis and mudslides and floods, man up! it's your own damn fault!

7: Anthony Hopkins has been around since the beginning of time and will be around forever, thank (you) God.

8: Noah was the founder of puppy mills and their ilk. It was so sweet when all those animals got onboard. Notice how cute and perfect each pairing was? That's because every imperfect creature was left to drown.

9: God is an even savvier businessman than George Lucas, Steven Spielberg, and the makers of Porky's. With all the sequels that the Bible offers, we could be headed for a new film each year until the Book of Revelations. And then the prequels!

10: Speaking of prequels, Logo's Noah's Arc had much hotter dudes and much better sex scenes. Once again, the original was much better than the remake.

11: Environmentalism is a good thing, unless you're a stickler for movies that take liberties with the "true story." If that's the case, it's demonic and goes against everything the Good Lord stood for. Trash the place!

12: God's a passive-aggressive guy with a sadistic streak. Life would have been so much easier, and less violent, for all involved if the Big Guy had simply walked up to Noah and told him what needed to be done or, better yet, gotten off his lazy ass and used his superpowers to send those good people to a new home.

13: The beard. The leather. The extra padding. The architectural prowess. The love for animals over humans, despite his butch persona. Folks, Noah's a big ol' bear leather daddy! I'm certain the ark landed at Fort Lauderdale, just in time for high tea!

14: The story of Noah tells us that if you believe you are the chosen one, you will allow, even encourage, people to be violently murdered in God's name. You will think it reasonable to murder innocent children in His name. And those who disagree with your beliefs will be murdered in His name. Nothing's changed.