05/09/2014 05:38 pm ET Updated Feb 02, 2016

Notes From a Self-Loathing, Narcissistic, Hateful, Shallow Gay Man... Because That's What Readers Insist I Am

Only date men who are better-looking than you are. This way you'll know you're hot.

Sometimes my body looks so bad that even I wouldn't do it.

If you check your dating apps and no one's responded, start messaging all the trolls until at least a couple ask to meet you and send c*** shots. Then block them and go on with your day.

This guy I met recently was boyfriend material, really great. He told me I was cute and sexy and the kind of man he could start a life with. Then he noticed I had Grindr on my phone and said I was an unsuitable slut and not worthy of dating. He just zipped up his pants and stormed out of my apartment. Dude never even left me his number.

Whenever I hit the bars with friends and a hot 20-something guy hits on me, I always make out with him in front of everyone else, even if he's as high as a kite or as dumb as dirt. Then I ditch my friends, make sure everyone sees us leave together, and take him home for an hour or so before I kick him out. I may feel like s*** the next day, but I know my friends are going to hold me in high esteem because I can still get the young guys.

I am convinced that I will have the perfect body if I lose five pounds. I was also convinced of that when I was five pounds heavier.

If you've ever thought of asking a great blind date why he never called you back, then you are an ugly, unattractive loser who will never find love and who will die alone. Hugs!

I have only one rule in regard to relationships: He's lying.

Never smile at a guy you like; he might think you care.

I know I'm having a good day when I only check about three of my exes' Facebook profiles. I know I'm having a great day when one of them just broke up with someone or looks like hell.

It's important to know that there will always be someone hotter than you, more muscular than you, more successful than you, and more popular than you, and that you will therefore never be happy.

I'm hard on my body because no one else is.

If a great-looking guy is a top, say you're a bottom. If he's a bottom, say you're a top. If he only likes smooth guys, clip your chest. If he's into water sports, learn to love it. Ditto for poppers or three-ways or bondage. The important thing to remember is that you got the date!

Whenever I look at the weddings/celebrations section, I can't help but wonder which guy's cheating on the other one. And then I hope it's the cute one.

Never flirt with another guy when you're on a dinner date. It's rude and tacky and reinforces the stereotype that gay men are pigs. Do the respectable thing and follow him into the bathroom for a quickie when your date's ordering dessert or paying the check.

I would never troll the gym steam rooms looking for sex; that's what losers do. Instead, I hold court in the back and wait for all the guys to come to me.

Read every negative comment written about you when you write a blog post, and take them all personally.

Pride is amazing. It's the only night of the year when I'm allowed to take as many drugs as possible, dress up like every other guy in New York, act like a 12-year-old idiot, and make out with as many guys as possible when my lover gets lost in the crowd. I do this because I am proud!

I was thrilled about writing this piece on gay self-loathing until I looked at it again and realized it was the worst thing I'd ever written. I deleted the whole thing, ate a pint of Ben & Jerry's, and then got so envious of all the amazingly perfect bodies on Scruff that I went out and had anonymous sex to prove I'm worthy. It was the latter that really pissed off my (now ex-) boyfriend.

Love me....