06/18/2014 09:07 pm ET Updated Feb 02, 2016

Why I Won't Be at Pride This Year, in One Long Rant

1. Because I don't have 0-percent body fat, and, from what I keep reading, that is the purpose of Pride. And those who tell us it has nothing to do with body fat, and that we need to stop obsessing over unattainable physical-perfection goals, tend to possess unattainable physical perfection, like Matthew J. Dempsey. Have you seen him? We might as well have Angelina Jolie do a video on how silly it is for women to complain about being ugly... or leading unglamorous lives.

2. Because my straight friends have much more fun than I do, laughing from the sidelines. And their expressions are a tad too similar to the looks on their faces when gawking at the monkeys in the Bronx Zoo.

3. Because the last time I attended one of those big Pride parties, my date ditched me (and "ditched" is the correct word) before I showed up, and emailed me the next night to say, "Sorry, but I met someone else when I showed up -- I really hate myself for it." It wasn't his email that upset me so much. It was that he never did meet someone else; he just decided he'd rather go solo and thought the made-up story would make me feel better. It was, like, so humiliating.

4. Because I have a hard time relating to a generation of men who cite Mean Girls as the film that best defines them.

5. Because I'm tired of cloned-looking, butch-acting, fake-smiling men greeting me once a year with forced promises of acceptance and love, if I just join them. Whoops, that was supposed to be why I dislike the Mormon missionary guys, but it's easy to confuse the two.

6. Because I'm holding out for a better offer, like a stay in East Hampton or a beach house on Fire Island. Trading up is the new Pride.

7. Because every gay magazine giving me advice on what to do for Pride shows a semi-naked, 20-something model and suggests the all-night dick party, the all-boat dick party, the all-day dick party, the all-dancing dick party, and all dicks wherever I go -- and all sponsored by liquor companies. That's fine, but I'll save a lot of money and have a lot better chance of finding a drunken lay if I hang around "straight" Irish bars on St. Patrick's Day.

8. Because straight entertainers are now the main gay attraction. This shouldn't bother me a bit, because Demi Lovato is performing, and she is the first name that comes to mind when I think of Pride. Well, except Lea Michele, but between butchering Barbra, perfecting the artifice of autotune, and creating one of the most self-centered, annoying TV personas ever, we need her for something far more important to our cause: World Pride!

9. Because I just turned 50, and, judging from everything I read, I no longer exist, except in movies about gay men who no longer exist.

10. Because I'm tired of smiley-faced men pretending we're friends and hugging and kissing me even though we've just met, and then asking for my number because it's all about togetherness. Whoops, that was supposed to be why I dislike the gay AA guys, but it's easy to confuse the two.

11. Because the only Molly I've ever been interested in starred in The Breakfast Club. Give me a holler if Miss Ringwald makes an appearance.

12. Because Pride is on a Sunday, and TV offers a lot more variety that night, especially when it comes to unique personalities, clever escapism, and the kind of drama you actually want to witness.

13. Because if I want to stare at a lineup of half-naked, muscled-up men who look exactly the same except for the position of their tattoos, and pretend to be besties with them, and collect as many of these guys in my social circles so that people will think that I too am fabulous and popular, I can simply "friend" them on Facebook, "like" everything they do, and never leave the house. Friend-request me if you agree -- and if you're hot.

14. Because the only difference between Pride and Groundhog Day, as well as the remakes Source Code and Edge of Tomorrow, is that I don't always get the guy or the happy ending, and I age a year each time it repeats.

15. Because going to Disney World is less of a hassle and a lot more authentic.

16. Because, between the ridiculous prices, the crowds, the glitter that stays with me for weeks, the inevitability of losing your friends in the masses, the fondling from guys with dilated pupils, the vomit viewing, the rush to make friends with anyone with a parade-route view, the heatstroke or pouring rain, the vicious queens kicking me with heels, the vicious drag queens kicking me with heels, the vicious lesbians kicking me with boots, and the sexy naked guys so loaded that by the end of the night they'll sleep with just about... ah, heck, I'll be there. I'm not proud.