11/13/2006 08:00 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

President Bush Announces Withdrawal of Troops From Iraq

At this point, it appears that the only reason U.S. troops are still in Iraq is that President Bush, Vice-President Cheney and their supporters can't figure out how to withdraw the troops without losing face. I have the solution to this problem. President Bush announces a primetime speech to the nation. Sitting at his desk in the Oval Office, he says...

"My fellow Americans, ever since I first ran for governor of Texas, I've been told that it isn't right to mix religion with politics. But the truth is that my religion, my acceptance of Christ, is a vital part of who I am. The other evening while I was praying, God spoke to me. I know there are a lot of cynical people out there who might snicker when they hear this, but it's true, and Christians know what I'm talking about.

God spoke to me and he said, 'George, you've done a great job as President of the United States. But now that your term of office is winding down, it's time to live your life as Jesus would. Jesus' first priority in helping people was to help the poorest of the poor, the lame, the outcasts. For the last two years of your presidency, you need to do everything in your power to help poor people, particularly those in your own country, the United States.'

When I heard God's words coming to me, I started thinking about American citizens in need. I discussed it with Laura and with religious leaders who know a whole lot more about Christian teachings than I do. I would like to spend the last two years of my presidency bringing relief not just to the victims of Hurricane Katrina, but to the victims of other natural disasters that didn't get so much attention. I would like to make sure that no American is missing adequate heating in the winter, that all Americans can afford good health care, even in case of an emergency, that all Americans feel safe from gangs and violence, and that no qualified young person has to give up the chance for a college education because he or she can't afford it.

The problem is that all of these good works cost a lot of money. We could get this money by raising taxes, but I don't think many Americans would like that idea. We could get the money we need by borrowing it, but our nation is already deep in debt. Finally I decided that the best way to help the poor and to help other Americans is to use the money we've been using to fight the war in Iraq.

Tonight I'm announcing the gradual withdrawal of U.S. troops from Iraq over the next six months. These troops will be redeployed back home in the United States and put to work on projects that help the poor, the elderly, the disabled and children. Of course we'll keep 20,000 soldiers in Iraq to help with the transition and to protect U.S. interests. To our Iraqi friends, I promise you we won't forget you. We will always be there to help your journey to democracy and freedom and security. To the American people I say that we should be proud of what we have done in Iraq and proud that we helped free the Iraqi people from the clutches of an evil tyrant. Now, we Americans have the opportunity to fulfill our spiritual duty by helping our own people and, by raising up the poorest of the poor, to set a shining example for other nations.

Thank you for listening, thank you for supporting the goals that we all hold dear, and may God bless this greatest of all nations."