03/15/2006 06:51 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

White House: Gay Menace Heads its Ugly Rear

The Bush administration has finally pulled its head out of everyone's bottom and seen the true terrorist threat: people who aren't procreating. Having spent its first term head-butting men who wanted too many tuxes at their weddings and waging jihad against Arabic translators who wanted their bedrooms outside the prying eyes of their bosses, The White House has finally codified what we were all thinking: secret info can't be trusted to homos.

In this Associated Press story, we see the priorities of the guardians of our ports (if you know what I mean). Whereas for a decade it was illegal to use sexual orientation as a means to deny anyone security clearance, as of last year's "quiet" re-think of the rules, denying those people such clearance is now all righty-tighty.

Sure, there's a fig leaf for the pinko anti-anti-homo extremists: your Cosmo quiz answers can't be "solely" the reason you get thrown out of your job, unless you're in the military. But we all know homosex is a gateway orientation, leading directly to covert al-Qaeda membership, so they just need any other reason -- like catching you using the company fax machine to send in your refi application -- to stack up beside your genital history and you're gone like the 9th Ward.

Thank the deity of your choosin' that the Bush folks are watching out for you and me, Johnny and Jane One-way Sphincter, in this turbulent time. Would you, with your bellybutton full of last night's Ruffles crumbs, have thought to use friendship with Dorothy (or Martina Navratilova) as a contributing reason to get somebody's security clearance axed? Could an everyday, workaday, never-gay citizen like you or your opposite-sex spouse have made the imaginative logical connections between owning a bottle of Wet and being a security threat? Nuh-uh, girlfriend! That takes Bush-level brains.

Imagine what gays, lesbians, and transformers would do with this country's secretest information! They'd start out by leaking the positions of our hottest troops, probably tap into Armed Forces Radio with one of those Sister Sledge mash-ups, and before you could say "hands off that rappelling rope!" every tent in the green zone would be a Greg Araki film-fest!

If you think Osama is ticked off now, just think about the heart palpitations he'd have if he found out we were letting hairy-legged women and men with sculpted eyebrows track his movements! (Except the prez, whose sculpted eyebrows really don't indicate anything at all about his downstairs. Really. All man. In a hetero way of saying "all man," not like the starburst on the "All man!" DVDs.)

So today, you can breathe easy, America. Your security is guaran-damn-teed by folks whose top priority is protecting the NSA from the WNBA. Fans. Some of them.