10/13/2006 08:25 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

Your Invitation to the Christopher "Smear Man" Shays Sex Ring!

Congratulations! Because of your sexiness, you have been chosen to participate in the Connecticut Congressional Representative (!) Christopher Shays Sex Ring. Strip down and put someone's soiled panties over your face as we celebrate sensuality the GOP way!

This month, we're featuring an all-Abu Ghraib (sexy!) theme. Planned activities:

  • Lovingly forcing you to smear feces on your chest -- because nothing's Christopher-Shays-sexier than that!
  • Raping your children on videotape ("now you'll talk!" ha ha)
  • The classic sex game "Stand on a box with your arms outstretched painfully, because we'll run 110 volts through your nuts if you move"

Festivities start in The Distinguished Representative's office-cum-dungeon at midnight Abu Ghraib time (which we think is probably noon or so) this coming (!) Monday. We will provide the bananas, broomsticks, handcuffs, and Chris's specially trained bark-till-you-piss-yourself dogs. You just bring your chemical lights, your electrodes, a beverage to share, and your sexy, sexy, seXXXy self! (Too excited to say more now because we can already smell those sexy smears! Nummy!)

No weirdos. No torture.

Congressman Sexy Shays is the proud winner of the GOP Sex Ring "Gold Mouse" (wink, wink SQUEAK) award, 2003