I'm a giver. Being born with a giant heart, I've spent my life compassionately trying to help others whenever possible. When I see a group of kids standing outside the grocery store trying to raise funds for whatever cause, I always open my wallet. Same with those who show up at the doorstep. I've given up nights and weekends to serve on volunteer committees. As an employer, I've showered my staff with bonuses and growth opportunities in gratitude for their service. At home, we regularly clean out our closets and cupboards and donate any excess we can. These actions, as small (or big) as they are, have just been a natural extension of what I stand for. Being of service to others is very fulfilling and, frankly, something the world needs more of. However, like all good things, it can have a dark side. Yes, I do believe it is possible to give too much. Let me explain.
When I went in to business for myself in 2008, we were blessed with rapid growth and business "success." As our employee size and bottom line grew, I knew that I wanted to give back even more. I created a program for our employees to pick a cause in the community and take paid time off to volunteer. We also donated to many others causes through sponsorships and workplace giving programs. I was invited to chair a local non-profit event, which was a pretty big undertaking, but my big heart told me to say yes as I dove right in to the responsibility. And any time a friend asked for support on a project of his or her own, I was there to help them in any way I could. It felt great to have the capacity to give back so much. So what was the problem?
After several years of very strong business growth, we experienced our first major down cycle. The company started losing money. Fast. Instead of laying people off right away, which would have been a strategic business decision, I felt compelled to work even harder to get our profits back up and keep things chugging along. Tried as I did, the economy was taking its toll. I was essentially losing tons of money to keep others on the payroll. Ouch. The ship was taking on water fast and I had to do something before it went under. Alas, I had to get smart and do what my heart dreaded -- lay people off.
At this point, I felt like a failure. I was stressed about money. My heart ached for those who had to find new jobs and I felt guilty because they would struggle to pay their bills. I was hard on myself for not magically pulling it all together. On top of that, I was spread very thin with my volunteer work, my home life and I had just recently become pregnant with our second daughter at the time. People continued to call on me to ask for help, but I finally had to draw the line in the sand and say, "no." I just couldn't do it any more. It was time to help myself.
I secretly wanted my former employees to be like, "Thank you for keeping us on so long even though I know you were losing a lot of money." Some of them did. But others, of course, were stressed out about their own situation and a little less gracious. Some even hurtful. I wanted the organizations that I volunteered for to be like, "Oh, we totally understand. Go take care of yourself and your family." And some of them were. But others seemed disappointed, and became less friendly when I couldn't put in the hours any more. I wanted the friends whose projects I couldn't support to be like, "I understand you can't support all of them... " And most of them were. But, others took offense when I didn't help.
So here I was, at a pretty low point in my life. I was trying to resurrect my business, feeling horrible about it, and trying to take a step back to pull myself together so I could focus on what mattered most, the beautiful life I was creating inside my tummy. And instead of offering support, some of the very people who my big heart had gone out of its way to help in the past were upset or disappointed in me because I could not or would not give to them any more. That twisted the knife even more. And it hurt.
But I couldn't blame them, really. The more I thought about it, the more I realized it wasn't their fault. It was I that had taught them how to treat me, after all. I had spent so much time give, give, giving that I never set clear boundaries for myself and what my personal limitations were. In my eagerness to help others, I forgot to help myself. People got so use to me being a "yes," that they seemed less than satisfied when I finally had to say, "no." Also, it had occurred to me that, even in my toughest times, I never asked anybody else for help. I had let the world know that I was a huge giver, but sent a message that I was some sort of superwoman who didn't need any help. Therefore people were (go figure) not likely to offer their support. Truth be told, whether in the form of understanding, compassion or just a little pat on the back to say, "It will be okay," I would have been wide open to receiving that type of encouragement.
Like with all times of trouble, here within lied some incredibly valuable lessons for me. I used the turmoil I was experiencing in my outside world as a reflection of my inner-workings and took some time to go inward and grow from it all.
I've since prioritized what matters most in my life and choose to focus my time and energy on what makes my heart expand with love. I accept that inevitably I will have to disappoint some people along the way. Unapologetically so. We simply can't help everyone. I've discovered that we can work more efficiently and have a greater reach when our own truth and boundaries are honored. Often, saying no to others often means saying yes to our own life and dreams.
I've learned that everything needs to be in balance to experience harmony. So, I've put my intention out into the universe that, as much as I give, I also want to feel supported. It's a yin and a yang thing. And, since then, many special people and blessings have turned up in my life. When we are open to receiving, the universe shows up for us.
Don't get me wrong. I still have the same big huge heart that I was born with. And when my cup runneth over, you betcha I'm going to share with those who need it. But now I am careful not to empty out my own cup completely in the process. I have to honor myself and my family first. Then, I can divvy out what's left over as I see fit. People respect and understand personal boundaries. But it is up to us to effectively communicate them.
It's amazing how much more you can give when you're careful not to give too much. It's also pretty remarkable just how much more support you receive once you open yourself up to it and let the universe know you are ready.
To my fellow big-hearted ones, may you continue to bless others with your graciousness. But please remember to take care of yourself, and be ever so careful not to empty out your own cup in the process.
With much love,
For more by Dawn Gluskin, click here.
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