06/12/2013 05:20 pm ET Updated Aug 12, 2013

Manscaping 101

First, let me say that I'm not particularly a fan of excess body hair, besides the top-of-the-head variety, and I know many, many women who feel the same way. Why? No idea. Shave it, pull it out, burn the bitches off I say. We just don't like it.

From waxing and laser treatments of the nether regions, to manicures and pedicures, we females go through all kinds of torture in the name of hygiene, or "fashion." We shave, we wax, we laser, and we tweeze. I don't know a woman alive to actually likes having it done, but we do it. It's called "maintenance." God forbid we get into an accident and end up at the hospital in fabulous underwear, and a year's worth of 'growth' as well. Sweet Lord. It makes me shudder.

I've actually had conversations with men who say that they prefer women (that they're seeing naked) to be "nicely trimmed," but if we were to strip some of those same men down to the skin, we'd find Yogi Bear hiding under their clothing (and sometimes that animal is actually trying to escape from the neck of his shirt. It's not pretty).

Let's face it, men like women who're "well groomed," and women like the same in a man. Duh. We like men who smell good, and each of us defines "good" in her own way; some like the freshly washed, soap and water scent, others like a light cologne in addition to soap and shampoo. We're all different, but very much the same. On top of the "clean factor," I happen to be drawn to nice teeth and hands. If he bites his nails, regardless of how "wonderful" he is otherwise, I'm out. Regardless of what we like when it comes to 'smell' and general grooming, I think it's safe to say that our likes are fairly universal.

For women it's called "maintenance." For men I call it "Guygiene," and when it comes to "Guygiene," everything from manscaping ("pruning the hedges" south of the waistline) to plain and simple taking a blasted shower and brushing your teeth, (and I'm not referring to the entire male population so don't all of you go nuts), there are those of you who just need to suck it up and get it done. Think about how you'd feel if you ended up on a date with a woman who obviously didn't give a rat's furry backside about whether or not you could smell her before she even exited her car (and some of you probably have). That's how we feel when you show up smelling like mothballs and BO.

As far as "manscaping" goes, there's apparently some confusion as to just what areas you should be focusing on. Truthfully gentlemen, there are only three really important words that you need to remember here. I call them "the big three": back, sack, and crack.

You'd be surprised at the things we women notice. Today I spoke to an attractive woman in her 50s, who told me that she'd recently been on a date with a man whose nose made him look like a sweaty teenager. She said that when the light hit it, all she could see were "dots of oil" all over it. For her, that was a major turn off because it told her that "he obviously hadn't bothered to wash his face" before embarking on their date. Needless to say, she'll never see him again.

If you're one of those guys who was "blessed" with a crazy amount of hair on your chest, you might want to add that area to the "big three." Think about it this way; when she's lying on your naked chest, if she's getting poked in the eye with your chest hair, she's probably not going to let you poke her with anything else. Shave it, trim it, yank it out at the roots, the choice is yours, but contain it. All of it.