I haven't had much to talk about lately. I was in Brazil working on a film for a few weeks and have just come back.
December 13th was my birthday and soon it will be Christmas and New Years. I don't have any major plans and would normally be looking forward to hanging with the dogs and watching all the films that come to my door - courtesy of being a member of the Producers Guild of America - except that I'm feeling Blah.
Let me define Blah. Blah is when I can't really complain about anything but don't have much energy. Blah is when I'm lacking passion and everything is beige. Nothing wrong with the color but between you and me, beige is just not exciting.
Am I feeling blah because I have been trying to fulfill all these tasks that I have set myself up to finish before the end of the year? Make money, write a book, produce a film, write a blog, be good, be descent. Or am I feeling blah because I'm unconsciously putting on a lid on my feelings as not to have them overflow? Probably a bit of both.
I brought back a puppy with me from Brazil. Shai (the new puppy) was a good source of companionship and a receptacle of love for me while I was in Rio de Janeiro but even Shai can't keep the blah away.
I'm thinking maybe I need to exercise more. Sweating and getting a shot of endorphins might help with the blah. I might even get a Thai massage - nothing like having a person walking and elbowing you to get you going and hopefully help you get hid of the blah.
Maybe what I really need is a bit of dating and dreaming and a bit of hugging and touching. But how do I do that? Internet dating? Can't hack it; too much work and too much exposure. Looking for Mr. Goodbar? I've never been very good about meeting strangers plus it can be too risky. Friends? It would be great, after all we already like each other, except that in the morning we would have to acknowledge a different level of intimacy that could jeopardize the friendship. So nope, couldn't do it.
I wish there was a pill for blah; one that I could walk into a drugstore and tell the pharmacist that I had blah and then wait while he put little white pills into an orange or blue jar.
I know it is the season for giving so I have to try my best not to feel compelled to spread my blah around and to not get myself into any nutty situation with the hidden purpose of disintegrating my blah. Chaos can always distract me but as I have experienced before, it is only temporary and the price is almost always too high.
This whole blah dissertation makes me think of Buddhism which if taken at face value promotes the idea of not reacting one way or another to anything, so the highs are not so high and the lows not so low. It sounds a bit like blah but I know that is not what Buddhism supports. I think they actually are more into making one's existence the center of one's life so the world doesn't have such a hold on us.
Of course the demand to be jolly for birthday, Christmas and New Years is of no help to a blah cure. I better move on and go take a warm shower and then ride my bike before my blah blah blah sends me into a blah coma.
P.S. While having the hot water run over my body I thought that blah is probably the result of not enough stimulus. We live in a world that everything runs fast and we are bombarded by information and requests. Our systems are on the go and sometimes when we slow down we go into withdrawal. If you don't understand the concept, ask any junkie. So I'm going to breathe deeply and slow down even more, and I'm going to connect with the root that keeps me grounded in this planet- my body - and I'm going to observe and appreciate what surrounds me, and I'm going to dive into myself and I know by New Years, blah will be just a thing of 2009.
Here's to a happy blahless 2010.