The mind can play some pretty nasty tricks on us, yes? It's got this uncanny ability to make us believe anything in the moment.
Here's an example from the really, Deirdre?? files...
A few weeks ago I was one of several presenters at a meeting filled with influential people. I was already nervous as the event began, but then as I watched the incredibly polished guy who spoke right before me deliver his incredibly polished speech, my heart plummeted and my mind got to work:
There's NO WAY I can match him...these people are going to think that I don't belong up here...and I probably don't!
After not-very-patiently waiting for my turn I delivered my portion without incident and exited stage left. Quickly.
And who was standing right there? Yep, the incredibly polished guy.
"Wow, that was really great." he said, "you totally had their attention...and that's not easy with this group." Then he leaned in. "To be honest, they made me pretty nervous."
Here's the deal.
We have hundreds, if not thousands of emotions each day -- happiness and stress and love and anger. Every. Day.
The funny thing is that we tend to think we, alone, are the only ones feeling them especially the ones that leave us feeling vulnerable, nervous and insecure.
It's as though, because we can't see the emotions of others, we think they don't exist. Like everything is so perfect for them. All the friggin' time.
But they're not. It's a big world. And -- I believe I can promise this with absolute certainty --whatever you are feeling at any given moment there is someone else, somewhere else, having that same emotion. In fact, lots of people are.
So why don't we believe it? It boils down to one of my favorite sayings:
We compare our insides with other people's outsides.
We contrast our feelings with other people's portrayal of their feelings. We'll sit there feeling stressed and doubtful while their outsides show perfect calm. And we believe it's all real.
We think these people are so together when they're not; that they have no fear of looking stupid when they do; that they have confidence every minute of every day when they don't.
We compare ourselves and we lose every time:
- We're nervous as we go into our boss' office for our big review, and think everybody else does it with supreme confidence. And we feel weak by comparison.
- We want to try out a complicated new machine at the gym and we think everyone else can figure it out without a problem. And we feel like losers by comparison.
- We can't identify the odd rash on our baby's arm and we think everyone else would be able to handle it perfectly and immediately. And we feel like a failure by comparison.
The truth? Someone else is feeling every emotion you're feeling at any given time.
Which means when you're quietly kicking yourself in an afternoon meeting because that huge lunch you threw down is making you feel disgusting -- someone else is feeling the same thing. Perhaps the woman sitting right across from you.
I say this not to devalue your feelings. I say this because, in addition to the negative emotions we feel at any given moment, the additional loser-like feelings we get by comparing ourselves to others makes is all worse. It impacts our ability to find solutions. To move on to happier feelings.
It also makes us feel very, very alone.
But we're not.
The truth is we can handle anything because everyone else is right there with us, handling it too -- or has handled it in the past. And if they can do it, so can we.
So relax. No matter what you're feeling, you're not the only one feeling it.
Believe it and remember that someone else's outsides don't tell the whole story. Even someone like incredibly polished guy.
And know that whatever negative thing you're feeling will pass. Then you can go back to happier ones.
This week, stop comparing your insides with other people's outsides. Know that no matter how you're feeling, someone else is feeling that way, too.
Then use this fact to breathe a sigh of relief -- to get validated, to learn from others and find that solution knowing you can handle anything.