02/27/2013 06:23 pm ET Updated Apr 29, 2013

You Might Not Be a Progressive If...

Most of the people I know vote Democrat and most of them, if asked, consider themselves progressives. Yet I sense the word "progressive" gives coverage to a lot of people who are more conservative than they claim to be.

With that in mind, and with apologies to Jeff Foxworthy ("You Might Be a Redneck If..."), here's a quick check to see how progressive you really are. So...

You might not be a progressive, if...

You still read Time or Newsweek
You never protested the Vietnam War, but now you vacation there
You're still driving a foreign car
You give to charity, but never march for change
You gave up basketball to play golf
You send your kids to private school when they'd thrive at the local public school
You're embarrassed by the word "liberal"
You've never been arrested or tear gassed
You carry a 15 percent tip card in your wallet
You worry about climate change while running the air-conditioner in your car
You think performing animals and animals in zoos are cute
Your tax attorney saved you thousands and thousands of dollars in federal taxes
You believe that an all-volunteer army is superior to the draft
You pay some of your employees minimum wage or less
You don't know the name of your postal carrier
You bought your dog from a breeder
You still occasionally eat a Big Mac or a Whopper
You can't remember the last time you took the bus
You believe there are radical differences between the Democratic and Republican parties
You belong to a country club
You voted for someone who wears an American flag lapel pin
You've actually shopped at Walmart
Your employees call you Mr. or Miss followed by your first name. As in, "Can I refill your coffee, Miss Amy?"
You've spoken the words, "collateral damage" without cringing
You have referred to people who are unlike you as "them"
You do not carry a commuter cup with you to the coffee shop
You believe that your vote counts, and that it was actually counted
You believe some, but not all recreational drugs, should be legal
You are not outraged by the privatization of prisons and public schools
You live in a gated community
You think the government should have a right to eavesdrop on people who pose a threat, and you believe the government would never ever eavesdrop on you
You support gay rights but secretly hope your children are straight
You believe that for the most part our democracy is still working
You believe that in his heart President Obama is a progressive

I welcome more additions to this list.